6-14-2013 3_41_31 PM

Accountability

There are many paths.  Realizing that there are many paths and weeding out the ones that don't work has been the last 33 years for me.  Now I am ready to move forward on the path that best honors my inner wisdom.  Svadarma is the sanskrit word that describes the yoking of ones' spiritual and worldly purpose.  It would be nice if there was one formula we could all follow to elimate the trial and error and skip down the best path.  Maybe this formula exists.  If it does - I haven't found it yet. I have however cultivated an inner wisdom that feels like a trust-worthy guide through life.  Sometimes I feel this guide vibrate favorably and strongly in the presence of others - if even - through the medium of their written words.  

 An article post about Chaturanga offers a sense of community on my path.  The article, which Desiree Rumbaugh shares on her facebook page, states that the bio-mechanics of chaturanga should include elbows digging in toward the ribcage to be well-balanced.  In the teachings I have most respected and found helpful, in my yoga practice, this que of elbows digging in seems contrary to my collective wisdom.  At least it seems short-sighted to me.  I write a public comment asking Desiree if she agrees with this point.  She says she isn't endorsing the article in totality, nor is she most relating to the portion about elbows hugging ribs.  She is rather glad to see an article pointing out that chaturanga is often mis aligned in students' bodies.  Moreover, I sense she appreciates the communion over the questions the article provokes.  Over coming days I notice many responding to Desiree's post with variant comments.  Some commentators offering their bio-mechanical tips and others offering their critique of the article and the tips of others.  What is most obvious is that people care abhow they and others are aligning their bodies in chaturanga.  To discuss the nuance of posturing is valuable to others.  It is also apparent that there isn't just one formula that works for everyone.  Lastly, I am amazed how many really nerdy- cool yoga people there are who can describe helpful yoga alignment with thoughtfulness and clarity.  I feel connected to this care and collaboration over bio-mechanics of yoga postures.

It is this last part - the yoga nerds - that really inspire me, because I realize I have found my place.  I've found a path that feels good to me, which turns out, I share with others.  After many years of not knowing where I belong and not feeling like I fully fit in anywhere - I feel at home.  I read the care and precision these yoga aficianados take to write thoughtful tips and I feel peaceful.  I feel kinship and community, which gives me courage to continue on my path.  I realize my path isn't well tread around many places I frequent in my daily life (my own family, my neighborhood, the news I read and the people I watch in public).  Often I feel like a trailblazer, which somettimes leaves me weary and doubtful.  But when I plug in to my community and read that others have the same questions and even attempt to asnwer the big questions, like myself.  I feel rejuvenated to continue on my path.

Looking into your eyes I see when something true is reflected back to me in the words and ideas we exchange.  I see recognition that something feels right or wrong.  Without you I am susceptible to doubt.  I can be strong and convicted in my own inner truth, but I need you to reassure me or open me up to a new angle sometimes.  I wish there was a formula for each of us.  Maybe there is - maybe we have to stay strong to continue the search.  I know I can't give up.  I know what helps me feel strong.  I know I am vulnerable to doubt and need reassurance.  Today it feels good to find a home.  I pray to find respectful ways to coexist, be accountable and hold others accountable.

As yogis we are accountable to ourselves - to listen to the truth unfolding in our thoughts and hearts.  May we be accountable to one another to speak up when something doesn't feel right, or to celebrate the connections and wins when they happen.  It seems like a good theme for our greater culture and those who've suffered when others haven't been accountable for their actions.

Life is Untidy

Life can be untidy

Sitting here I notice remains of a weekend.  There is a small child's tent pitched near my red chair, the place I drink tea and center myself.  There are dishes done that need to be put away and dishes undone next to the table - the space I write.  Yet what feels right to me is to sit here amongst the untidiness and write.  

Outside the wind is blowing and the sun is shining fiercly illuminating the burned grass, the green leaves and all of the fallen leaves and branches.  In this hemisphere, Nature is moving from a time of most light to a time of dominant darkness.  Saturday passed was the day of equal light and dark the Autumnal Equinox.  With so much transition outside and inside I am choosing to align with what feels best for myself.  I heard a teacher say last week - listen to the language of sensation.

I remind myself that I have a story, and my past has left me with many sensations about the present and the future.  While there are notable chapters (birth to school age, school age, adulthood, marriage, motherhood), it feels there are so many parts of my life that are untidy.  My relationship with my mother is the perfect example.  This weekend she came for a visit.  We had a lovely time talking, playing with August and making meals for one another.  It always feel good to see my mom in the fall, because it was a favorite time for us during my childhood.  We would create Halloween costumes and have fun outings to celebrate.  Yet my mother and I can be so close one moment and so far away another moment.  By the end of the weekend we had worked our way into a disagreement over her smoking.  I have zero tolerance for smoking or even for the remains of smoking (smelling it on a person's skin or clothing) on my property.  My mother and I go back and forth about what truly poses a health risk.  August's doctors say even third hand smoke, the smoke on someone's skin or clothes or furniture is dangerous to healthy lungs.  My mom argues that this can't be true.  Not that others should do as I do, but that I need to physically refuse to co-exist in smoking environments.  My distaste for smoke is heightened now that I have August's health to consider.  She left my home under the understanding that we were taking an extended period of space in our relationship.  I don't know what will happen in the future - sure feels untidy - messy even.

I do know that my story is that while growing up my Mom smoked in the house and I have memories of waking up often with a sore throat - sometimes unable to breath completely - feeling engulfed in the prison of this smoke.  I think my Mom has a difficult time accepting my truth.  And I am not willing to deny it anymore.  I am ferocious in my desire to change the patterns of my story that have blocked the illumination of Pure Consciousness.  I will not be deterred moving in the direction that feels best for me and my family.  I am sure it poses its caveats, perhaps the repurcussions yet to be seen of my self-righteousness.   But my tenacity comes from a deep desire to give my son the best chance at a happy, healthy life.  And that possibillity begins with me being as happy and healthy as I can be too.

The transition from Summer to Fall is challenging for many of us.  Our stories are speaking from the inside more loudly when there are seasonal shifts, because they don't just happen on the outside - changes are happening inside too.  My story is sacred.  It invites me to let go of old, broken ways of moving through life and to trust myself enough to move in the direction that feels best.  Maybe this makes me sensitive, but that is my gift and also my challenge.  Most importantly it is my truth.  

I am taking a que from Nature this week and moving more deeply inward.  I pray that my actions reflect a dedication to my truth in the hope to bring beautiful balance during a time of transition.  As I listen and accept myself I am cultivating the warmth of compassion and love and that is what I send outward.  

May you move in ways that feel good.

Life happens for us, not to us

Life Is Happening for Us, Not To Us

When life is challenging my old pattern is to try to wait out the storm. I  would nail down tightly the story lines and agendas in my head, crawling through life and waiting for the storm to pass.  Breathing easier when things seem more even again. But lately one event after another thickens the plot and creates twists and turns spinning my stories and agendas in many directions.  Plans, ideas and dreams seem to get challenged or demolished at every turn.  I try to choose to see challenge as an opportunity to get stronger - to beat my butterfly wings harder against the limitations of my cocoon.  It is not always my first instinct, but when I do choose to stare down challenge and unchosen change one thing is certain - the quality of my inner mind, heart and soul is better.  Most of the time something is born that I couldn't have plotted better myself.  The interesting part is the challenge of letting go and listening.   During a seasonal transition  letting go and listening are key to sanity and happiness. 

This week I spoke about change and how it is often our inner resistance to change that is our worst enemy against our sanity and happiness.  Sometimes I don't even know why I am so resistant.  My husband is always a good litmus test, as he seems to always be asking me, "Why is that so upsetting?"  I think to myself, "Who's the yoga teacher here???" 

One student this week expressed concerns that she feels a discharge notice from work is only a phone call away.

In another class, where I am a new and different teacher to the group, I notice a group of white women, all trim, all beautiful, all dressed in perfectly coordinating, expensive yoga attire, and all stone cold in their faces.  The intense energy of this group prompted me to invite everyone to feel themselves smile, to feel their skin soften.  I literally saw very little change.  

The human pulse of this week tells me challenge and change are Universal.  Maybe it is the election and the ramifications of the collective check marks at the polls.  Maybe it is fall.  Maybe we are all consumed with feeling the pain of the loss of summer weather that we can't see the beginning that fall offers.

The week begins with a class I had been building for over a year is no longer mine to teach.  I am given a different time slot and one student shows up.  What a great opportunity I tell myself.  I have no idea what comes after that - but I simply decide that Nature has its plans.  Then I get home from class and the city is spray painting my Ash Tree to be removed.  Ambiguity and change seem ubiquitous.

In the greater yoga world we continue to see diverse thinking about what yoga means.  For some people it is a time to sweat away their tension and the class isn't good enough unless they sweat hard.  Other practitioners want to feel an energetic shift from within all aspects of themselves and they are open to any invitation - as long as the guide is clear and authentic.  

Seeing the homogenous (mostly white women) yet diverse (practitioners with different visions invites me to re-evaluate my voice.  It doesn't feel good to pander to perceptions of what people want.  When I leave a classroom after teaching -  I need to feel like I made an authentic offering.  That a teaching of the Universal flows through me and I share it in the most honest, clear,  yet sensitive way I can in that moment.  That is when I feel like teaching yoga has its most potent impact.  When we can truly align with our Big Self - not just sweat hard to look good in expensive workout clothes.

In a world where we often need to think about keeping our jobs to survive this question becomes very interesting for me.  It seems the way I survive is by not holding back, or pandering, but by being more bold.  Letting my own voice be heard truthfully to myself.  When we hear something true it sounds different than any other sound.

In a time when things are changing we get more opportunity to choose how we will align with change.  I am going to be drawing some lines in my own life and in my teaching.  I will not allow fear to guide my story lines and agendas.  It is time for me to decide what to follow and not waver on the big truths, the heart wishes, the things that make me feel whole.   To love who I am in all the dark corners as well as the strong, bright places. 

I think the pavers that outline my ash tree out front will become my unruly, yet charming English-style garden I am always dreaming about.    One tree is gone and I shall plant the new green life that is to sprout next.  Life happens for me - not to me.  I get to choose what I create and I choose to listen and align with the Universal Flow. 

From the truest place in myself to the truest place in you.

Namaste

Change is Life

Beginner's Mind

I am awakening to a new beginning that is also an end.  When I feel attached to something, as I do considering Summer's End, it is always comforting to remind myself that an end is also a beginning.  This weekend while visiting the "big lake," Lake Superior, I notice the leaves turning golden yellow and orange-red.  Soon the fresh autumn air will share space with us and we will hear those leaves, once golden yellow, now brown, crunching below our feet.  The space around us will be the same landscape we always see, but many changes visible.  The blooms and fruits of summer's fullness now beneath us preparing to become fertilizer for next year's bounty.  Our Mother, nature, is showing us her need to turn inward, to rest so she may wonder, dream and sew what is to come.

Today it hit me that change is life.  If I am not embracing what is in front of me then I am missing the point of living.  If I am trying to change myself, or someone else or life then I am not present, I am not trusting where I come from.

Over the weekend I was priviledged to go to Bayfield, Wisconsin to soak up the remaining hours of summer.  I set my intention to be present and breathe every breath of summer remaining.  I think I did a pretty good job overall.  One comedic situation comes to mind.  We arrive late Friday night and awaken Saturday some what early for vacation standards - 8 AM.  We set out to Bayfield from Washburn and I bless our day with 20 minutes of chanting a mantra to release fear and to bow to the eternal wisdom in all things.  August falls asleep in the car, so I now have that card to play when he is acting like a maniac.  

One caveat for me while on vacation is to surrender to the food situation.  Since I have a sensitive digestive system it is always a challenge.  Surely as aspect of my sensitivity is my brain.  So if I am to become overly concerned or analytical, I am sure to trigger an unfavorable chain reaction in my bowels.  I stop at a grocery to pick up some snacks to stave off hunger in the event that there is only cheese to eat - hey, we are in Wisconsin.  I find bananas, trail mix, granola bars and organic snap peas.  A fine balance of protein, carbs, veggies and fruit.  At some point I lose track of where I placed the trail mix.

As the trip goes on I continue to return to the memory of the trail mix that certainly couldn't have been fully consumed.  And my catch phrase ensues, " I wonder what happened to that trail mix?"   

At first the catch phrase is used to determine if any others in my party actually know where the trail mix has gone.  Then when no one does - I start repeating it every once in a while out of humor - because the repetition seems to be garnering a smile from my father and husband.  So that evening we look everywhere for the trail mix.  No luck.  It is almost as though the trail mix has vanished.  I continue the catch phrase for the next couple days.  Each time it excites some ambition to consider and search.

Then after a long day in the car we are finally home.  Each of us is feeling a little edgy after a few tantrums in the car and some miscellaneous adrenaline hikes.  As I unpack I remember to open the hidden pocket on my shoulder bag, recalling I had placed something there during the trip.  Sure enough, it is the trail mix!!!!  This elicits deep satisfaction and laughter within.

Hindsight shows me that the truth is that our proverbial trail mix is in every moment.  Trail mix being that elusive sparkle and safety that we are seeking in every moment.  So just when I think trail mix is what I needed - what was I missing that was actually in front of me?  Forever trail mix will be my reminder to surrender and see the trail and its mixture of sparkle and safety each step, each breath, each journey and even at journey's end.

Hanuman

***big sigh*** I am here. I am writing. My weekly intention is to write, because it is part of my "getting clear" process. Writing is purging. Something surfaces in the field of awareness and then codifies in print. The result? A fresh feeling for me. Sometimes someone else relates and benefits from seeing similar feelings in print and hopefully a fresh feeling there too.

I can use a fresh feeling at this point, this week. That is why I am feeling so close to Hanuman. In brief, Hanuman, is a central character from the Indian Epic, The Ramayana. He is an incarnation of the Divine, and as such, has many powers. Powers much like those that we all have although exagerated, since this is mythology. He can fly (think of the taking flight feeling when you root your tailbone). Hanuman can get very small (curling into a ball) or very big (expanding your backbody to perform a backbend or mountain pose) - depending on the need, along with many other powers. Much like a bright toddler Hanuman is mischevious...eager to explore and test his talents. Because of his antics, the Saints took away his awareness of his powers. When Hanuman's Lord needs help then Hanuman remembers his abilities. Hanuman's awareness lights when his deep desire and heart devotion propels him to serve his Lord. Until his heart ignites with desire he is walking around in a fog - unaware of his amazing gifts.

I believe I am like Hanuman...full of gifts and energy to make offerings....if my heart can be in the lead, and in a fog when my heart is unable to get on board. This week I try to keep my heart guiding as it's a rollar coaster emotionally and physically around my home. August is sick, then he gets better....overuses his talents....then he is sick again. He is coughing, which is something new. Naturally I consider it is the new day care regimen that is causing the sickness. Then I receive a borage of insights from other moms and dads about how getting sick means less sick later. But the pediatrician says this is houey and no one should expose their kids to illness...better to keep them home if you can.

So what is a mom who enjoys working to do?? Give everything up to stay home and attempt to protect your son from every air bone invader? Probably not.....this would make mama sad. Nannies are too expensive although a much better option for our consideration, so enter the Manny or my dad. He is the best. Afraid of nothing he soars through the day fighting bacteria and virus by hand washing and teaching proper hand covering a cough procedures plus he is lead by his heart, since it's his grandchild. Yes, I am very comfortable with my Manny. Right now I am hoping we don't have another bout of sickness when things circulate again in February, March or even April. It is this ambiguity that makes me crazy to think about having to let down clients or myself by being in a fog of my gifts through sickness picked up at day care. I do believe it is my deep love and devotion to my family and yoga that leads me this week. A deep unwavering commitment to be loving even though I do not feel naturally loving inside. I am down right pissed off at sickness and any action that takes sickness lightly or avoids stopping it's wrath. Still I know my anger is born from such a steady desire to preserve the heart...to preserve the health I work to protect every day.

Every day I feel fortunate to know my heart. I am able to keep in perspective that my wellness is paramount to being able to ride the tide of working mom, because my work and my family are my heart. This gives me the ability to know where I am going and what activities and commitments to make and avoid to preserve the balance. The circumstances change and I forget my capacity at times...through sickness, defeat, and doubt. But when I think about Hanuman I remember that even with all his greatness he was able to forget. So for now I am going to watch the snow fall, drink tea and rest as much as I can in each moment. I feel content that I have the knowledge that my powers will surface again as the heart calls.

On a Clear Day You Can See EVERYTHING

It appears the life philosophy I follow actually does have an impact on my life. It becomes more apparent to me all the time that the choices I make have consequences. If I eat my fruits and vegetables I feel good, healthy...immediately. If I eat something else I usually feel the opposite...immediately. And then there is nuance. Example...If I eat a well-balanced meal and then have a chocolatey treat...I still feel good, healthy. If I wake up and eat a donut I feel jitterty and ungrounded all day long. Hence, my choices have an impact. Some even argue that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world have a consequence in a very different part of the world. Yoga says this is nature or karma, we are all connected and nature is orderly. Physics says for every action there is an equal reaction. The way we behave always has reasons. Maybe not always legitimate reasons in another's mind, but legitimate reasons nonetheless.

Something I sit with a lot lately is how my environment affects my mood. When everything around me is messy and disorderly I feel overwhelmed and defeated....much like how I feel when I make a surface New Year's Resolution to avoid donuts for breakfast. It just isn't possible to commit to NEVER EVER having a donut for breakfast. So the moment I give in and eat a donut for breakfast - GAME OVER. The overwhelming feelings of fear and defeat arise. Instead what if I go a little deeper and ask myself: Why do I want to give up donuts for breakfast? Answer: They make me feel jittery and ungrounded all day long, I can't seem to rebound, so they must be wholly bad for me. But in the first paragraph of this blog I said I can have a sweet treat if I also eat more wholesome foods. This second line of thinking is Tantric. Tantric philosophy, Shiva-Shakti specifically, which is the philosophy that underlies Anusara yoga, affirms all aspects of life and says that every living thing, at it's core is intrinsically good. Now while this doesn't really include donuts, because donuts are not living, breathing Divine Consciousness, we loom donuts in because they exist. Essentially Tantra does not tell you what is good or bad...you have to decide based on conseqences. The concept of balancing your diet is the part that is Tantric. TEST for you reading this: Go find a donut and eat it if in this moment it is life-affirming. If in this moment it is not life-affirming for you to eat a donut...then don't. That is our philosophy. You can have anything. You may have something really really bad...but if you have a negative result and you continue that behavior then you are no longer practicing Tantra. You have off-roaded, which we all do for a time and usually it gives us more clarity about why we want to reconnect to balance.

We value sensitivity to the whole, affirming all of life as having innate beauty. So when we are grumpy, frumpy or dumpy we have the responsibility to turn inward and determine what is blocking us from being able to see the intrinsic beauty in all things. It is not your friend's fault and sadly no, it is not your boss's fault that you are the aforementioned.....it is actually your responsibility to find balance.

A New Year's Resolution will only be successful if it addresses the root of the issue that is surfacing. In our example, no donuts for breakfast, I am making the resolution so I won't feel jittery and ungrounded. But is not actually the donut causing this it is my choice to eat it at a time when my body needs something else. Therefore the intelligence of my body, explains to me that I am depriving it by sending me into a sugar crash. The donut doesn't affirm my life first thing in the morning. Therefore on the Shiva-Shakti path of Tantra I have a choice to make. It is always my choice, but nature will always put in it's two cents by making me feel less than whole. In yoga we value these messages from our bodies, minds and hearts. Every day is an experiment of chemical reactions between humans and the whole of naure. The clues are in every blade of grass, every animal and every human. The beauty of a human face, a sunset, the lines of symmetry in a leaf. The taste of fresh berries or herbal tea.

This year my "resolution," which I prefer to think of as my intention, is to hold a clear space within myself and within each moment, so that I am not cluttered with the disorganization of my thoughts, judgments and fantasies. Rather I am steeping in the beauty of every blade of grass, every animal and every human. And the best part is I can still choose if I get to eat a donut in the morning! Let's face it...sometimes enjoying a donut (insert whatever pleasure you will here) is just worth the experience.

Happy New Year! To a fresh feeling and to the donuts that make us chase the fresh feeling once again.

Can you come out and play?

When I have a quiet moment to look at my life I feel grateful. Sometimes gratitude is so authentic, it is as natural as breathing. Yet in other moments I seem to train myself to "fake it until I make it." I remember that I have shelter, food, a beautiful and loving family and a job that I enjoy. By many standards - I have it all. Yet at times there is an emptiness. I quickly remind myself about all my blessings for fear that if I chide them, admitting my vacancy, the good stuff may disappear. Sometimes I wonder where the disconnection occurs. What makes me feel plugged in to authentic gratitude and what causes me to disconnect? It seems that a general feeling of "play or lightness" is usually what I am lacking. I am forgetting the playful nature of myself, the Universe and all living things. What do all successfully adapted mammals have in common? They play with abandon throughout all stages of their lives.

Sure family and work are blessings. They connect us to others - give us an opportunity to relate, share, grow and even compete. When we are sick or sad - family and friends can feel supportive. When things are difficult at home we can take solace in the self-satisfaction a job well done can offer. But sometimes we just need something else, and it's time to be honest about that something. Without feeling like I need to covet what I have, can I find a moment to let go of outcomes and do something simply because it brings pleasure? It seems as a woman I feel tremendous responsibility to be perfect. To be light-hearted and productive and still charming and sweet. When I look closely I realize that I feel responsibility to be these things, because this is who I am by nature. And still dullness, heaviness and saddness can arise unexpectedly. I have analyzed this. Oh, it's because I didn't eat the right foods at the right time, it's a season change, it's because I got that weird email from so and so. Sometimes the icky stuff can add up and cause me to forget that I deserve a moment to do something that I enjoy - simply for the reason that I enjoy doing that thing. Even if all the laundry isn't done and the planning isn't complete. If I need to stop, turn on some music and dance - then by Jim Crickett - I'm going to dance - until I sweat and smile.

Too little of the time do we actually use our mat to play. The mat is a place where mystery unfolds. Each time for practice is a game of peek-a-boo with our deepest self. Yes, sometimes it is challenging to practice, but by a shift in focus from difficulty to breath awareness - we can feel as light as a balloon - shedding our expectations and tuning in to what is real. In fact when we find a rough patch in the practice it is actually an invitation for creating strength. The breath is what guides us through. Try this - as you practice - if challenge arises - smile and breath evenly and try going deeper into the mystery. If you find it is truly pain you are experiencing - continue to breath easily and mindfully come out. But more often than not these places are invitations to an inner party where the party favor is strength. So take a laughing breath, expand your back body and soar into the spirit of play. Make yoga practice your time to genuinely play. Like you are meeting a friend, sharing a laugh simply because it feels good. Because I think this is the purpose of the practice.


During this time of transition between seasons I feel restless - searching for something to quell my longing as the seasons shift from bright, abundance and energy in summer to the cooling lull of fall. Like I'm vying between bright energy and hibernation. I am eager to find outlets to help me connect to a playful attitude - keep myself grounded but also light in spirit. A couple weeks ago I went to my family's annual pumpkin carving event (ah-hem competition), and my mom was a true inspiration. She found two long pumpkins that fulfilled an interesting destiny of being shaped like a sea serpent. Appropriately she decided she would make a Loc-ness Monster. In fact, she would make two: "Nessy and Bessy".

While the other women in my family competed with glitter, electrical wiring, mechanical saws and multiple pumpkins morphing into one creation - my mom went about her creation for the sheer pleasure of bringing her idea into its fullness - she enjoyed her process. The spirit she brought to her creative time was so pure. She was genuinely complimentary to others, helping others finish their work even. Playing with her grandson while creating. Other participants stayed tight-lipped about what they were making. They wouldn't talk to anyone during their process. Staying very focused on the outcome - investing their efforts with intention to win.

My mom came in fourth place. She was surprised to have placed at all, and seemed genuinely indifferent to the results. I told her she did the best job. Her pumpkins held a certain vision and spirit that transcended any judges' verdict. After all it takes play to know play.

When life is full of blessings and you look around and find an empty spot inside - find time to do something for the sheer enjoyment of it - go into the mystery - turn longing into laughing.