Oh this Solid, Strong, Bending, Folding Self

A wise person once told me that he and his wife live in a two-story house.

“She has her story, and I have mine.”

Another time while out to dinner with a friend he told me that I was charming. An unnerving compliment, because at the time I was focusing on doing good deeds, making good grades – not aimlessly meandering through life on charm. I told him that I would prefer intelligence and skills, and would give away my charm for aforementioned riches. He then told me that the qualities we have, and the stories we create are what make life worth living. He went on to state that intertwining our story with the stories of others is the zest of life. At the time of this conversation I thought I was right to work hard and avoid non-sense, and he was most certainly offering an irresponsible proposition. But today I know that he was in fact correct.

The essence of living the life that we will for ourselves, while bending to the greater truth that is within and beyond can be one of the most challenging things a human can undertake. We have a view of ourselves. We pick the mat, the frame and the landscape and this is the picture of our life; our story is written. We log hours working on grades, work- relationships, projects – all of the things that will insure that our story concludes happily. Then one day we wake up, and realize we’ve been banging our head against a brick wall. We lose our appetite for this life we choose. We forget that we design and engineer this landscape.

Along the clear path in our idyllic landscape there are short-cuts. In another portion of our landscape, often hidden by the trees we draw, there is the long path that wanders well off the page. This is the part of the portrait that we didn’t draw….somehow it manages to impose itself. The short cuts are things like: Yes, I have to make money to live. Yes, I need a place to lay my head. Yes, I need clothes on my back. The list continues. But the long path wandering off the page is the shaded part of the landscape that we sometimes choose to ignore. The long path leads us on the journey of: What is my relationship to all things? A question that can likewise take a lifetime to answer, and provides much uncertainty- not to mention rough terrain. It is incredibly easy to get bogged down with the short cuts for many years and even a life-time. Yet the fun begins when we realize that we are the authors of our own story, and that along the winding path is an ocean for us to go swimming!

One day very long ago I was going to be an attorney and eventually a judge. Let me set the scene: Working feverishly to complete and excel in the myriad components necessary to be a desired law-school applicant. It was during this same time period that I took my first yoga class. I sat with people for meditation and yoga-asana. My attendance at yoga class a calculated way to reduce stress, and refuel for my many important endeavors. While these people around me so care free; contented despite ambiguity. It was clear they danced the balance of will and something greater in the way they held their bodies for asana. Somehow this ancient practice had become the cornerstone of their stories. My other thought was, “How could anyone invest such interest in this hocus pocus when there are exams to be conquered and essays to be written?”

These yogis would invite me over to have tea, chant and watch independent movies that didn’t so much have action, as they simply conveyed a slice of life. Naturally I was always far too busy with my short cuts to dance around on the long, wandering path with them in their tie-dye and incense. The thought of spending time with these people beyond sweating with them, each of us independent, on our mats, was the most terrifying invitation I could imagine. It took me three years to let go of this fear. And only now I realize my concern was that they would distract me by forcing me to have fun. At the time – I was not fun. Fun and I were like oil and water.

Time passes and I am on my clear path. After spending my first three years working in the legal field I lost the love of my boyfriend, suffering chronic strep throat and recovering from a tonsillectomy. I find it interesting to this day that the throat chakra is the seat of self-expression and truth. For most of my years pursuing a career in law I was ailing from a chronic condition ravaging this energy center. I was willing a life of sickness affecting my seat of expression and truth.

Somewhere along the way I got the message. Realizing my drive to cram my life into this “perfect” landscape was not as important as the real story that was within me and perhaps beyond my own will. It was time to transition out of law and into sales. I knew it wasn’t the end of my story, but it already felt affirming. I wasn’t sick anymore. I was tapping into my writing again and giving myself a voice – allowing myself to be charming again. This voice was from a familiar, yet scary place. Sweeping changes were the offering - if I was willing to listen. I found the wandering path. It wasn’t exactly what I saw in the drafting of my story; it was better.

Although I am young and by many standards should be schlepping through life as an attorney, I took the road less traveled. I can’t tell you how my story ends and today I am proud to say, “I wouldn’t want to know.” Bring on the dance. Bring on the tie-dye and incense. I want to taste it all. I want to continue to learn about my appetites. Most of all I want to make space for my voice and the auspicious voice and teacher that is always present. Yoga is the cornerstone of my story and it is with full confidence that I step into, dance and sometimes swim beyond the borders of my clear path.

Here is to the ambiguity of the wandering path and all the chances we have to go swimming. Here is to the play that we should carve out for ourselves regularly. Here is to celebrating the self that you are rather than conforming to some portrait you don’t even recognize as time passes.

Namaste.

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Willing Awareness into Actions

The Bhagavad Gita is an allegory of wisdom from ancient India illustrating the war within each of us: The light within vs. the five senses. Our story opens with two families vying to rule a nation - one righteously (from a place of light) and the other blindly (from a place of ignorance). The righteous side has chosen a pacifist Lord Krishna minus his army to help him win the battle. The blind side has chosen Lord Krishna's army minus Krishna himself. In a nutshell Lord Krishna's chariot is a metaphor for the human body and the five horses leading the chariot are the five senses. Also of note the blind group has a larger number of warriors, while the righteous side only has Lord Krishna and the eldest, righteous brother, Arjuna. The lesson illustrates that in the war of us against our senses there will always be more enemies than friends, but that we can defeat and control the senses by putting our awareness into action.

American holidays are the perfect illustration of the war within humans that the Bhagavad Gita identifies. We left our home last Tuesday to visit family for Thanksgiving. Initially, I was excited for the time away from obligation that a holiday offers. We packed our bags, canceled Wednesday obligations to avoid the storm, and did a general cleaning of our house. John drove. August fell asleep and I closed my eyes to find a place of meditation. It was glorious. I wouldn't have projects at home beckoning me at every turn. I wouldn't have to cook (by myself anyway) and I'd have extra hands for the baby, so I could do some much needed walking, yoga, and meditation. As a defensive move I even packed some healthy snacks to avoid the looming enemies at gas stations and mom's house.

At home John and I cook a lot. We try to maintain a pristine balance of lean proteins, gluten-free carbohydrates, fresh fruit and an abundance of green, orange, red and yellow vegetables. We try to avoid sugar and I avoid dairy. Consequently when we do meander off track with an occasional glass of wine or sweet treat it is very important to keep portions small, or my digestion notices and responds accordingly.

With the well-laid plan of healthy foods for the three-hour trip to my mom's house, and beyond I was feeling very positive that holiday excess could be tempered. I was successful all the way to mom's house and throughout Tuesday night. The enemies awaiting were abundant: She had cookies given to her, pies to be made and left over Halloween candy. My senses were unmoved; all of my planning had paid off. Consider the defense well in tact.

First offensive strike: Holiday foods and co-conspirators (Mom, John and extra calories needed for breast-feeding).

As I awoke Wednesday morning I could smell mom's coffee. She made Belgian waffles with real maple syrup and offered me to have mine with peanut butter and bananas to be more health conscious. Ok so it wasn't exactly health food, but it seemed like a lesser-evil. Smells wafting from the kitchen, a need to "break the fast" pending, and imagining the taste of peanut butter melting on doughnut-like, golden goodness. First strike received and a hit! Suddenly I'm drinking coffee and eating waffles!!??? Yikes, this was not in the defense hand-book I had so carefully planned less than 24 hours previously. I was overcome by my senses. You get the point. The remainder of the four night adventure at mom's was peppered by less than ideal food choices and coffee, both of which are Kryptonite for my constitution.

It was so much easier to take the offense's hit than scramble moment to moment to re-load. No one else gave a second thought to eating waffles and drinking coffee, why should I be so bummed about such an endeavor? I was was upset, because I knew I'd betrayed myself. Despite the awareness that waffles and coffee make me feel miserable, and moreover consumption of them would make it easier to get off track indefinitely I still managed to give in to the golden goodness. And later the pie and eventually yes - I had some of the left-over Halloween candy.

It starts with an idea. I remember that I like the taste of waffles or coffee or whatever and suddenly the brain is controlling me instead of vice versa. I smell something lovely in the kitchen and I drop good intentions and indulge. These are the ways the five senses can distract us. It is like the evil step-mother saying, "Come eat the delicious, juicy apple." Even though our instinct tells us this woman has nothing good to offer us - we give in and in the end we pay the price.

Over time our bodies have given us messages and as long as the great dancer of breath is within we will continue to receive messages from the five senses - we can choose a strong defense or we can take the offense's hits. Yoga promises that over time we will learn to control the five senses. It is our work to become aware of our war within. Awareness and action are the spoils from our defeat of the senses. But we must use them. Honor what we have decoded throughout our practice. The practice of putting awareness into action extinguishes the power our senses have over our brain. Overtime a diamond strong nervous system and a well-functioning body is evidence of our victory.

Our enemies are sly. Hidden in the offerings of family, friends and comforting traditions we may find ourselves seduced. Write your defensive hand book and make allowances for surprise attacks. Sitting for a time of meditation observing yourself objectively for at least 15 minutes every day is one way to keep the senses in check. Share your awareness with loved ones. When we say things out loud they becomes real and they lead to action. Prepare healthy snacks and make sure you are full before entering a battlefield of holiday trays bedecked with sweet and salty delights. You are a yogi, which means you have the ability to turn every situation to your advantage. You control your senses - one moment at a time.

To a moderate and happy holiday season!

Where Yoga Begins

You're walking down a city street - you pass a yoga studio with a large window. Inside you see bodies creating shapes (all similar, but each unique), and something compels you to take a second, longer glance. You feel a powerful energy radiating from these bodies in these shapes. In this instant you resonate; a connection to these strangers. Their contentment, their inward focus, their peace and most of all their pure joy is perfectly illuminated to you on some level. This moment is where yoga begins.

When we step onto our mats we are thrust into an intimate dialog with our being. A class begins and the instructor gives cues. Even if we aren't totally certain what it means to "root the pelvis," or "melt the heart" we are moving and as a result - our bodies respond. "Wait a minute, hold on....what did you say???" These are the common phrases we think to ourselves but rarely express to our teacher. Yet somehow we make it through the class, sweaty and sometimes tired. However....what's that??? Why this is new. We may feel more fluid and more comfortable in our bodies. We thought we were going to stretch and that sounded easy enough - who knew these shapes would be so challenging to create? Overtime we pass this place and find a new opportunity. After a time of dedicated practice we are able to actually observe our breath in a challenging pose, or we begin to grasp what it means to melt the heart. We have expanded ourselves. Through the challenge of these shapes we've broken down by admitting - I don't get this and managed to begin at a relatively comfortable starting point. To begin where things are available and from that access point we grow stronger in body, and in our mind's ability to comprehend the invitation of our teacher. When you create a yoga pose you express yourself and this takes an enormous amount of inner strength and courage that begins with a soft heart. You soften your heart to accept your entry into something familiar, but deeply challenging....this is the act of beginning, accepting what is greeting you on your mat.

I remember being pulled like a magnet to yoga in 2000. I was living in Boston and there was a yoga studio on every corner. I couldn't afford to take the classes, but I did purchase a mat and a book. For four months I studied that book and made feeble attempts at postures on my mat. The amazing outcome was that, despite my ignorance about this revered, time-tested science, I felt great. I really didn't know what I was doing - but it seemed to enhance my well-being in a way I had never experienced from running, weight-lifting or even my beloved, downhill slalom racing. It was an illumination, a connection beyond anything I had ever known. The sensation was similar to that of falling in love. But this time I was falling in love with myself. I started to really care for myself. Cooking, cleaning and grooming myself with awareness of what felt affirming. I let go of bad habits like occasional smoking, staying up late, making long-distance phone calls to ex-boyfriends and avoiding new boyfriends offering old bad habits. I woke up early on weekends simply to enjoy the sunshine, and the breath in my warm body.

This remedial practice had offered me a glimpse of a more enlightened place of being. Although I hadn't experienced this feeling before it was somehow familiar. It felt like moments I would take for myself to stretch after sitting to write for long hours. Or the satisfaction achieved after completing a project of beauty like a drawing, a well-written story or learning a new song. Because all these works such as art, music and yoga are works of the heart. Brave humans are magnetized toward contemplative arts, because we crave an expanded heart space; compassion and love. Maybe it is because our heart chakra resides beneath the sternum and the amount of breath necessary to sing or practice yoga opens this energetic body? Whatever the case I couldn't get enough. I started to realize that a dedicated practice improved my ability to be compassionate and create healthy boundaries. Friends in my life noticed a change. I was no longer interested in going to clubs or bars, because it seemed to somehow derail my new found self-care routine.

Today I have a baby boy, August, and his presence convinces me that joy is our birth-right. He will sometimes awake with a wet diaper and an empty belly. Yet I stand above him and he turns up the corners of his mouth and smiles his gummy smile with his mouth, eyes and his entire body. I see him work hard throughout the day to use his hands, fingers, spine and head and he is filled with light - his big, blue eyes sparkling even in the face of a challenge. Having the honor to observe his light and purity reminds me that we all begin this way. We are connected to a current of light that literally illuminates our longest spine, our most radiant smile and our most compassionate heart. Yoga is the bridge that links us to this birth-right of joy. That moment of feeling your body create a yogic shape breathe with your heart and know from a deep place that your pose is perfect. Inhale and exhale into a warm, expanded heart. Step onto the bridge and walk toward your birth-right; begin and return often.

Namaste
(From the light in me to the light in you)
Maren

Making Space

Hello Friends,

I am fascinated by the things I was offered to make space for in my life this week. It all started last weekend when John's brother called me at 6:45 am Saturday to say he thought John's best friend was in trouble. It turns out his friend was in trouble and due to the sensitive nature of the circumstances I will refrain from sharing details at this time, however, things are stable for now.

Additionally that evening we had friends over for dinner. Their 19 -month- old daughter played with our older dog. Something she did offended our aging dog to the extent that the dog growled and pawed at her face. A lesson for all parties. First for John and I to observe our animal around children more critically. But also a lesson for the girl's parents to be more careful around animals that are new to their daughter. Uff - please learn from this story anyone with a dog they think is all hearts and balloons. The little girl startled and cried and she suffered a paw mark and a couple of puncture wounds near her nose and eye. I was horrified and mortified to say the least. It was such an empty and helpless place to find myself amidst an evening of relaxation and play. I was jolted to despair. As I reflect I think of the book, The Prophet, and the excerpt about sorrow and joy. To paraphrase: when happiness is in our countenance - sorrow is at the foot of our bed. The notion that joy and sorrow are hand-maidens always present together, although tricky in that one is often more pronounced than the other.

This week in class we examined how yoga practice is a space we create in our lives. Each time we return to practice, on or off our mats, we become more connected to a diamond-strong place of strength. We don't wish for our dogs to harm those we love, or for our friends to be victimized, but it happens. It happens to responsible, loving people. It doesn't make us any less responsible or loveable....it just makes life real. Amidst the joy of spending time with friends we can experience emptiness and hopelessness. We can't change all the things that life throws our way, but we can take a moment to breathe, go inward and see the reality of our situation. And then we expand outward from a place of strength (inner truth and wisdom). That is the gift of a dedicated practice. We make space for the darkness, because we are called to, and emerge in stillness and strength regardless. We can win no matter what!

Returning to our mat helps us connect to physical strength and our nervous system responds favorably. Our being is affirmed as we soften to line up our optimal muscle-skeletal being, and from there hug muscles to bone. As we observe our breath in the pose we go inward to check in with our present reality and from that place of wisdom we expand outward. This practice becomes a familiar place.....a haven for our body, mind and soul. This place is available to us always, yet we so often forget in the moments when we most need a steady, diamond-strong foundation. It is the steadfast practice that offers this reward. From our dedication we more quickly remember this ever-present core, "Nisprapancaya Shantaya." Next time you feel too overwhelmed to take time to make space for challenge, take a breathe, go inward and expand from your inner strength. It isn't always instant gratification, but the steps are always the same.

I am happy to say we are in process with determining how to move forward with our beloved dog and wishing the best outcome for our friend. The reality is there isn't always a nice, neat bow. But who wants to live in a situation comedy after-all? I'll take my life, raw - thank you much.


To your slice of peace in the midst of reality,
Maren