Sometimes I feel like Humpty Dumpty. The egg-man from the nursery rhyme who couldn't be put back together again. I am a self-proclaimed "bag of bones" - disconnected and discombobulated yet somehow together....somehow breathing. Despite at times, my broken body, mind and heart - I am always equally inspired to put myself back together again; always infused with spirit. Over the years I have learned a few things. Yet surprise abounds at how quickly the learning curve of my being changes - new, unknown caverns in which to frolick, dance and play. Sometimes deep and dark, rocky and rough - but nothing that a steady mind and loving heart can't smooth over time. Faster and subtler my chosen patterns of loving and accepting assist my coming into my destiny of fullness - my total union with the flow or Anusara. The thing that always works is compassion and love born from introspection.
Life moves fast. And when life moves fast - I know I should slow down. Take time to feel the inner flow. Not to ignore the task at hand. But to try to change the lens from which I view the task. To recognize how getting swept up in anxiety, anger or fear doesn't actually help the final outcome; energy is actually wasted on these aforementioned emotions. In fact, when I lose myself in exterior fires I become inflamed, eh-hem...broken, useless - like you know who aforementioned. I have been that crazy lady who jumps all over someone for not calling me back or not responding to an email. Only to learn that they were dealing with a serious health issue, and trying to find a way to tell me. If I would have taken a breath and met my inner flow - I would have felt that expansive space behind the breast bone - that truly feels endless. True love is endless and non-judgmental. If I'd found my heart space I may have found a better way to express the lonliness and hurt I was actually feeling missing their return phone call; rather than let my saddness manifest in anger. Then maybe in the future they would feel like I am easier to talk to and would call me back sooner when dealing with a difficult situation.
Yes, I like to withdraw my love when I'm angry and sad with someone. I ignore them or yell at them. Instead of admitting or discussing what I'm feeling - it seems easier, better armor, to withdraw love by either ignoring or yelling. In fact, I am pretty sure I learned this from my mom. Two speeds when the anger button gets flipped: Ignore or yell.
Now as a mom myself and as someone who has come to learn that I value relationships over being right - I am trying to find that place in the middle. To learn that love is possible in each moment and move into the unknown from a place of compassion and love. Regardless of what I've learned from my parents - I know that it is possible to break new ground. I also know that it is up to be to make the change rather than become a victim of my upbringing.
When I feel the Humpty Dumpty within sliding close to the wall I know it is time for introspection. To greet myself with a "how do you do?" in a sincere way. Sitting to meditate is a sincere question we ask ourselves. We go in and turn away from nothing. Meeting each sensation and staying present with it until something new arises for as long as possible - even staying with the broken places - even loving the broken places. Giving especially the broken places a voice to grieve and be heard, to be hugged and kissed on the forehead. The rainbow spectrum of sensation can be so vibrant and beautiful. Sensation and stories arise from deep layers of the mind. As the layer of the former difficulty arises, if I stay with it, as long as it's there, until it's gone, it is gone in a finite way. The pattern has left and there is room for something new. I am aware of something that has created pain in my past and I can move forward with awareness to avoid that same harm in the present and future. The accumulation of this is a clean slate to build the life of dreams.
When you have a difficult meditation or practice it is actually a sign of growth. If you have had a moment where you feel like practice just might not be for you - that is the time you are standing on a very powerful crossroads. If you stay with it - you are bound to experience a break-through - to learn of a past brokenness - that can be fully healed through your attention, sincerity and love. If you leave you can always justify that it just wasn't working, because you will never know what jewel of wisdom you left behind. The ego is always trying to take us out of practice, because it wants us to keep our familiar patterns for that very reason - they are familiar. Going in to the unknown guarantees destabalizing something. That is why it is important to be clear about your intentions and be dedicated to your task at hand. That way when the hard stuff crops up -your commitment keeps you in the game. What are you seeking to gain? What do you want to manifest?
The hard reality and beautiful truth are the same: We are all Humpty Dumpty. Although it can be difficult and take a lot of practice, I am confident we are each so powerful and well-equipped to put ourselves back together again. Not only put back together, but be fully aware and head overheels in love with our inner beauty. In our broken moments we are called to choose - accept and bemoan the brokenness - or find the lumionous, supportive space within.
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