6-14-2013 3_41_31 PM

Accountability

There are many paths.  Realizing that there are many paths and weeding out the ones that don't work has been the last 33 years for me.  Now I am ready to move forward on the path that best honors my inner wisdom.  Svadarma is the sanskrit word that describes the yoking of ones' spiritual and worldly purpose.  It would be nice if there was one formula we could all follow to elimate the trial and error and skip down the best path.  Maybe this formula exists.  If it does - I haven't found it yet. I have however cultivated an inner wisdom that feels like a trust-worthy guide through life.  Sometimes I feel this guide vibrate favorably and strongly in the presence of others - if even - through the medium of their written words.  

 An article post about Chaturanga offers a sense of community on my path.  The article, which Desiree Rumbaugh shares on her facebook page, states that the bio-mechanics of chaturanga should include elbows digging in toward the ribcage to be well-balanced.  In the teachings I have most respected and found helpful, in my yoga practice, this que of elbows digging in seems contrary to my collective wisdom.  At least it seems short-sighted to me.  I write a public comment asking Desiree if she agrees with this point.  She says she isn't endorsing the article in totality, nor is she most relating to the portion about elbows hugging ribs.  She is rather glad to see an article pointing out that chaturanga is often mis aligned in students' bodies.  Moreover, I sense she appreciates the communion over the questions the article provokes.  Over coming days I notice many responding to Desiree's post with variant comments.  Some commentators offering their bio-mechanical tips and others offering their critique of the article and the tips of others.  What is most obvious is that people care abhow they and others are aligning their bodies in chaturanga.  To discuss the nuance of posturing is valuable to others.  It is also apparent that there isn't just one formula that works for everyone.  Lastly, I am amazed how many really nerdy- cool yoga people there are who can describe helpful yoga alignment with thoughtfulness and clarity.  I feel connected to this care and collaboration over bio-mechanics of yoga postures.

It is this last part - the yoga nerds - that really inspire me, because I realize I have found my place.  I've found a path that feels good to me, which turns out, I share with others.  After many years of not knowing where I belong and not feeling like I fully fit in anywhere - I feel at home.  I read the care and precision these yoga aficianados take to write thoughtful tips and I feel peaceful.  I feel kinship and community, which gives me courage to continue on my path.  I realize my path isn't well tread around many places I frequent in my daily life (my own family, my neighborhood, the news I read and the people I watch in public).  Often I feel like a trailblazer, which somettimes leaves me weary and doubtful.  But when I plug in to my community and read that others have the same questions and even attempt to asnwer the big questions, like myself.  I feel rejuvenated to continue on my path.

Looking into your eyes I see when something true is reflected back to me in the words and ideas we exchange.  I see recognition that something feels right or wrong.  Without you I am susceptible to doubt.  I can be strong and convicted in my own inner truth, but I need you to reassure me or open me up to a new angle sometimes.  I wish there was a formula for each of us.  Maybe there is - maybe we have to stay strong to continue the search.  I know I can't give up.  I know what helps me feel strong.  I know I am vulnerable to doubt and need reassurance.  Today it feels good to find a home.  I pray to find respectful ways to coexist, be accountable and hold others accountable.

As yogis we are accountable to ourselves - to listen to the truth unfolding in our thoughts and hearts.  May we be accountable to one another to speak up when something doesn't feel right, or to celebrate the connections and wins when they happen.  It seems like a good theme for our greater culture and those who've suffered when others haven't been accountable for their actions.

Life is Untidy

Life can be untidy

Sitting here I notice remains of a weekend.  There is a small child's tent pitched near my red chair, the place I drink tea and center myself.  There are dishes done that need to be put away and dishes undone next to the table - the space I write.  Yet what feels right to me is to sit here amongst the untidiness and write.  

Outside the wind is blowing and the sun is shining fiercly illuminating the burned grass, the green leaves and all of the fallen leaves and branches.  In this hemisphere, Nature is moving from a time of most light to a time of dominant darkness.  Saturday passed was the day of equal light and dark the Autumnal Equinox.  With so much transition outside and inside I am choosing to align with what feels best for myself.  I heard a teacher say last week - listen to the language of sensation.

I remind myself that I have a story, and my past has left me with many sensations about the present and the future.  While there are notable chapters (birth to school age, school age, adulthood, marriage, motherhood), it feels there are so many parts of my life that are untidy.  My relationship with my mother is the perfect example.  This weekend she came for a visit.  We had a lovely time talking, playing with August and making meals for one another.  It always feel good to see my mom in the fall, because it was a favorite time for us during my childhood.  We would create Halloween costumes and have fun outings to celebrate.  Yet my mother and I can be so close one moment and so far away another moment.  By the end of the weekend we had worked our way into a disagreement over her smoking.  I have zero tolerance for smoking or even for the remains of smoking (smelling it on a person's skin or clothing) on my property.  My mother and I go back and forth about what truly poses a health risk.  August's doctors say even third hand smoke, the smoke on someone's skin or clothes or furniture is dangerous to healthy lungs.  My mom argues that this can't be true.  Not that others should do as I do, but that I need to physically refuse to co-exist in smoking environments.  My distaste for smoke is heightened now that I have August's health to consider.  She left my home under the understanding that we were taking an extended period of space in our relationship.  I don't know what will happen in the future - sure feels untidy - messy even.

I do know that my story is that while growing up my Mom smoked in the house and I have memories of waking up often with a sore throat - sometimes unable to breath completely - feeling engulfed in the prison of this smoke.  I think my Mom has a difficult time accepting my truth.  And I am not willing to deny it anymore.  I am ferocious in my desire to change the patterns of my story that have blocked the illumination of Pure Consciousness.  I will not be deterred moving in the direction that feels best for me and my family.  I am sure it poses its caveats, perhaps the repurcussions yet to be seen of my self-righteousness.   But my tenacity comes from a deep desire to give my son the best chance at a happy, healthy life.  And that possibillity begins with me being as happy and healthy as I can be too.

The transition from Summer to Fall is challenging for many of us.  Our stories are speaking from the inside more loudly when there are seasonal shifts, because they don't just happen on the outside - changes are happening inside too.  My story is sacred.  It invites me to let go of old, broken ways of moving through life and to trust myself enough to move in the direction that feels best.  Maybe this makes me sensitive, but that is my gift and also my challenge.  Most importantly it is my truth.  

I am taking a que from Nature this week and moving more deeply inward.  I pray that my actions reflect a dedication to my truth in the hope to bring beautiful balance during a time of transition.  As I listen and accept myself I am cultivating the warmth of compassion and love and that is what I send outward.  

May you move in ways that feel good.

Life happens for us, not to us

Life Is Happening for Us, Not To Us

When life is challenging my old pattern is to try to wait out the storm. I  would nail down tightly the story lines and agendas in my head, crawling through life and waiting for the storm to pass.  Breathing easier when things seem more even again. But lately one event after another thickens the plot and creates twists and turns spinning my stories and agendas in many directions.  Plans, ideas and dreams seem to get challenged or demolished at every turn.  I try to choose to see challenge as an opportunity to get stronger - to beat my butterfly wings harder against the limitations of my cocoon.  It is not always my first instinct, but when I do choose to stare down challenge and unchosen change one thing is certain - the quality of my inner mind, heart and soul is better.  Most of the time something is born that I couldn't have plotted better myself.  The interesting part is the challenge of letting go and listening.   During a seasonal transition  letting go and listening are key to sanity and happiness. 

This week I spoke about change and how it is often our inner resistance to change that is our worst enemy against our sanity and happiness.  Sometimes I don't even know why I am so resistant.  My husband is always a good litmus test, as he seems to always be asking me, "Why is that so upsetting?"  I think to myself, "Who's the yoga teacher here???" 

One student this week expressed concerns that she feels a discharge notice from work is only a phone call away.

In another class, where I am a new and different teacher to the group, I notice a group of white women, all trim, all beautiful, all dressed in perfectly coordinating, expensive yoga attire, and all stone cold in their faces.  The intense energy of this group prompted me to invite everyone to feel themselves smile, to feel their skin soften.  I literally saw very little change.  

The human pulse of this week tells me challenge and change are Universal.  Maybe it is the election and the ramifications of the collective check marks at the polls.  Maybe it is fall.  Maybe we are all consumed with feeling the pain of the loss of summer weather that we can't see the beginning that fall offers.

The week begins with a class I had been building for over a year is no longer mine to teach.  I am given a different time slot and one student shows up.  What a great opportunity I tell myself.  I have no idea what comes after that - but I simply decide that Nature has its plans.  Then I get home from class and the city is spray painting my Ash Tree to be removed.  Ambiguity and change seem ubiquitous.

In the greater yoga world we continue to see diverse thinking about what yoga means.  For some people it is a time to sweat away their tension and the class isn't good enough unless they sweat hard.  Other practitioners want to feel an energetic shift from within all aspects of themselves and they are open to any invitation - as long as the guide is clear and authentic.  

Seeing the homogenous (mostly white women) yet diverse (practitioners with different visions invites me to re-evaluate my voice.  It doesn't feel good to pander to perceptions of what people want.  When I leave a classroom after teaching -  I need to feel like I made an authentic offering.  That a teaching of the Universal flows through me and I share it in the most honest, clear,  yet sensitive way I can in that moment.  That is when I feel like teaching yoga has its most potent impact.  When we can truly align with our Big Self - not just sweat hard to look good in expensive workout clothes.

In a world where we often need to think about keeping our jobs to survive this question becomes very interesting for me.  It seems the way I survive is by not holding back, or pandering, but by being more bold.  Letting my own voice be heard truthfully to myself.  When we hear something true it sounds different than any other sound.

In a time when things are changing we get more opportunity to choose how we will align with change.  I am going to be drawing some lines in my own life and in my teaching.  I will not allow fear to guide my story lines and agendas.  It is time for me to decide what to follow and not waver on the big truths, the heart wishes, the things that make me feel whole.   To love who I am in all the dark corners as well as the strong, bright places. 

I think the pavers that outline my ash tree out front will become my unruly, yet charming English-style garden I am always dreaming about.    One tree is gone and I shall plant the new green life that is to sprout next.  Life happens for me - not to me.  I get to choose what I create and I choose to listen and align with the Universal Flow. 

From the truest place in myself to the truest place in you.

Namaste

Change is Life

Beginner's Mind

I am awakening to a new beginning that is also an end.  When I feel attached to something, as I do considering Summer's End, it is always comforting to remind myself that an end is also a beginning.  This weekend while visiting the "big lake," Lake Superior, I notice the leaves turning golden yellow and orange-red.  Soon the fresh autumn air will share space with us and we will hear those leaves, once golden yellow, now brown, crunching below our feet.  The space around us will be the same landscape we always see, but many changes visible.  The blooms and fruits of summer's fullness now beneath us preparing to become fertilizer for next year's bounty.  Our Mother, nature, is showing us her need to turn inward, to rest so she may wonder, dream and sew what is to come.

Today it hit me that change is life.  If I am not embracing what is in front of me then I am missing the point of living.  If I am trying to change myself, or someone else or life then I am not present, I am not trusting where I come from.

Over the weekend I was priviledged to go to Bayfield, Wisconsin to soak up the remaining hours of summer.  I set my intention to be present and breathe every breath of summer remaining.  I think I did a pretty good job overall.  One comedic situation comes to mind.  We arrive late Friday night and awaken Saturday some what early for vacation standards - 8 AM.  We set out to Bayfield from Washburn and I bless our day with 20 minutes of chanting a mantra to release fear and to bow to the eternal wisdom in all things.  August falls asleep in the car, so I now have that card to play when he is acting like a maniac.  

One caveat for me while on vacation is to surrender to the food situation.  Since I have a sensitive digestive system it is always a challenge.  Surely as aspect of my sensitivity is my brain.  So if I am to become overly concerned or analytical, I am sure to trigger an unfavorable chain reaction in my bowels.  I stop at a grocery to pick up some snacks to stave off hunger in the event that there is only cheese to eat - hey, we are in Wisconsin.  I find bananas, trail mix, granola bars and organic snap peas.  A fine balance of protein, carbs, veggies and fruit.  At some point I lose track of where I placed the trail mix.

As the trip goes on I continue to return to the memory of the trail mix that certainly couldn't have been fully consumed.  And my catch phrase ensues, " I wonder what happened to that trail mix?"   

At first the catch phrase is used to determine if any others in my party actually know where the trail mix has gone.  Then when no one does - I start repeating it every once in a while out of humor - because the repetition seems to be garnering a smile from my father and husband.  So that evening we look everywhere for the trail mix.  No luck.  It is almost as though the trail mix has vanished.  I continue the catch phrase for the next couple days.  Each time it excites some ambition to consider and search.

Then after a long day in the car we are finally home.  Each of us is feeling a little edgy after a few tantrums in the car and some miscellaneous adrenaline hikes.  As I unpack I remember to open the hidden pocket on my shoulder bag, recalling I had placed something there during the trip.  Sure enough, it is the trail mix!!!!  This elicits deep satisfaction and laughter within.

Hindsight shows me that the truth is that our proverbial trail mix is in every moment.  Trail mix being that elusive sparkle and safety that we are seeking in every moment.  So just when I think trail mix is what I needed - what was I missing that was actually in front of me?  Forever trail mix will be my reminder to surrender and see the trail and its mixture of sparkle and safety each step, each breath, each journey and even at journey's end.

Hanuman

***big sigh*** I am here. I am writing. My weekly intention is to write, because it is part of my "getting clear" process. Writing is purging. Something surfaces in the field of awareness and then codifies in print. The result? A fresh feeling for me. Sometimes someone else relates and benefits from seeing similar feelings in print and hopefully a fresh feeling there too.

I can use a fresh feeling at this point, this week. That is why I am feeling so close to Hanuman. In brief, Hanuman, is a central character from the Indian Epic, The Ramayana. He is an incarnation of the Divine, and as such, has many powers. Powers much like those that we all have although exagerated, since this is mythology. He can fly (think of the taking flight feeling when you root your tailbone). Hanuman can get very small (curling into a ball) or very big (expanding your backbody to perform a backbend or mountain pose) - depending on the need, along with many other powers. Much like a bright toddler Hanuman is mischevious...eager to explore and test his talents. Because of his antics, the Saints took away his awareness of his powers. When Hanuman's Lord needs help then Hanuman remembers his abilities. Hanuman's awareness lights when his deep desire and heart devotion propels him to serve his Lord. Until his heart ignites with desire he is walking around in a fog - unaware of his amazing gifts.

I believe I am like Hanuman...full of gifts and energy to make offerings....if my heart can be in the lead, and in a fog when my heart is unable to get on board. This week I try to keep my heart guiding as it's a rollar coaster emotionally and physically around my home. August is sick, then he gets better....overuses his talents....then he is sick again. He is coughing, which is something new. Naturally I consider it is the new day care regimen that is causing the sickness. Then I receive a borage of insights from other moms and dads about how getting sick means less sick later. But the pediatrician says this is houey and no one should expose their kids to illness...better to keep them home if you can.

So what is a mom who enjoys working to do?? Give everything up to stay home and attempt to protect your son from every air bone invader? Probably not.....this would make mama sad. Nannies are too expensive although a much better option for our consideration, so enter the Manny or my dad. He is the best. Afraid of nothing he soars through the day fighting bacteria and virus by hand washing and teaching proper hand covering a cough procedures plus he is lead by his heart, since it's his grandchild. Yes, I am very comfortable with my Manny. Right now I am hoping we don't have another bout of sickness when things circulate again in February, March or even April. It is this ambiguity that makes me crazy to think about having to let down clients or myself by being in a fog of my gifts through sickness picked up at day care. I do believe it is my deep love and devotion to my family and yoga that leads me this week. A deep unwavering commitment to be loving even though I do not feel naturally loving inside. I am down right pissed off at sickness and any action that takes sickness lightly or avoids stopping it's wrath. Still I know my anger is born from such a steady desire to preserve the heart...to preserve the health I work to protect every day.

Every day I feel fortunate to know my heart. I am able to keep in perspective that my wellness is paramount to being able to ride the tide of working mom, because my work and my family are my heart. This gives me the ability to know where I am going and what activities and commitments to make and avoid to preserve the balance. The circumstances change and I forget my capacity at times...through sickness, defeat, and doubt. But when I think about Hanuman I remember that even with all his greatness he was able to forget. So for now I am going to watch the snow fall, drink tea and rest as much as I can in each moment. I feel content that I have the knowledge that my powers will surface again as the heart calls.

On a Clear Day You Can See EVERYTHING

It appears the life philosophy I follow actually does have an impact on my life. It becomes more apparent to me all the time that the choices I make have consequences. If I eat my fruits and vegetables I feel good, healthy...immediately. If I eat something else I usually feel the opposite...immediately. And then there is nuance. Example...If I eat a well-balanced meal and then have a chocolatey treat...I still feel good, healthy. If I wake up and eat a donut I feel jitterty and ungrounded all day long. Hence, my choices have an impact. Some even argue that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world have a consequence in a very different part of the world. Yoga says this is nature or karma, we are all connected and nature is orderly. Physics says for every action there is an equal reaction. The way we behave always has reasons. Maybe not always legitimate reasons in another's mind, but legitimate reasons nonetheless.

Something I sit with a lot lately is how my environment affects my mood. When everything around me is messy and disorderly I feel overwhelmed and defeated....much like how I feel when I make a surface New Year's Resolution to avoid donuts for breakfast. It just isn't possible to commit to NEVER EVER having a donut for breakfast. So the moment I give in and eat a donut for breakfast - GAME OVER. The overwhelming feelings of fear and defeat arise. Instead what if I go a little deeper and ask myself: Why do I want to give up donuts for breakfast? Answer: They make me feel jittery and ungrounded all day long, I can't seem to rebound, so they must be wholly bad for me. But in the first paragraph of this blog I said I can have a sweet treat if I also eat more wholesome foods. This second line of thinking is Tantric. Tantric philosophy, Shiva-Shakti specifically, which is the philosophy that underlies Anusara yoga, affirms all aspects of life and says that every living thing, at it's core is intrinsically good. Now while this doesn't really include donuts, because donuts are not living, breathing Divine Consciousness, we loom donuts in because they exist. Essentially Tantra does not tell you what is good or bad...you have to decide based on conseqences. The concept of balancing your diet is the part that is Tantric. TEST for you reading this: Go find a donut and eat it if in this moment it is life-affirming. If in this moment it is not life-affirming for you to eat a donut...then don't. That is our philosophy. You can have anything. You may have something really really bad...but if you have a negative result and you continue that behavior then you are no longer practicing Tantra. You have off-roaded, which we all do for a time and usually it gives us more clarity about why we want to reconnect to balance.

We value sensitivity to the whole, affirming all of life as having innate beauty. So when we are grumpy, frumpy or dumpy we have the responsibility to turn inward and determine what is blocking us from being able to see the intrinsic beauty in all things. It is not your friend's fault and sadly no, it is not your boss's fault that you are the aforementioned.....it is actually your responsibility to find balance.

A New Year's Resolution will only be successful if it addresses the root of the issue that is surfacing. In our example, no donuts for breakfast, I am making the resolution so I won't feel jittery and ungrounded. But is not actually the donut causing this it is my choice to eat it at a time when my body needs something else. Therefore the intelligence of my body, explains to me that I am depriving it by sending me into a sugar crash. The donut doesn't affirm my life first thing in the morning. Therefore on the Shiva-Shakti path of Tantra I have a choice to make. It is always my choice, but nature will always put in it's two cents by making me feel less than whole. In yoga we value these messages from our bodies, minds and hearts. Every day is an experiment of chemical reactions between humans and the whole of naure. The clues are in every blade of grass, every animal and every human. The beauty of a human face, a sunset, the lines of symmetry in a leaf. The taste of fresh berries or herbal tea.

This year my "resolution," which I prefer to think of as my intention, is to hold a clear space within myself and within each moment, so that I am not cluttered with the disorganization of my thoughts, judgments and fantasies. Rather I am steeping in the beauty of every blade of grass, every animal and every human. And the best part is I can still choose if I get to eat a donut in the morning! Let's face it...sometimes enjoying a donut (insert whatever pleasure you will here) is just worth the experience.

Happy New Year! To a fresh feeling and to the donuts that make us chase the fresh feeling once again.

Can you come out and play?

When I have a quiet moment to look at my life I feel grateful. Sometimes gratitude is so authentic, it is as natural as breathing. Yet in other moments I seem to train myself to "fake it until I make it." I remember that I have shelter, food, a beautiful and loving family and a job that I enjoy. By many standards - I have it all. Yet at times there is an emptiness. I quickly remind myself about all my blessings for fear that if I chide them, admitting my vacancy, the good stuff may disappear. Sometimes I wonder where the disconnection occurs. What makes me feel plugged in to authentic gratitude and what causes me to disconnect? It seems that a general feeling of "play or lightness" is usually what I am lacking. I am forgetting the playful nature of myself, the Universe and all living things. What do all successfully adapted mammals have in common? They play with abandon throughout all stages of their lives.

Sure family and work are blessings. They connect us to others - give us an opportunity to relate, share, grow and even compete. When we are sick or sad - family and friends can feel supportive. When things are difficult at home we can take solace in the self-satisfaction a job well done can offer. But sometimes we just need something else, and it's time to be honest about that something. Without feeling like I need to covet what I have, can I find a moment to let go of outcomes and do something simply because it brings pleasure? It seems as a woman I feel tremendous responsibility to be perfect. To be light-hearted and productive and still charming and sweet. When I look closely I realize that I feel responsibility to be these things, because this is who I am by nature. And still dullness, heaviness and saddness can arise unexpectedly. I have analyzed this. Oh, it's because I didn't eat the right foods at the right time, it's a season change, it's because I got that weird email from so and so. Sometimes the icky stuff can add up and cause me to forget that I deserve a moment to do something that I enjoy - simply for the reason that I enjoy doing that thing. Even if all the laundry isn't done and the planning isn't complete. If I need to stop, turn on some music and dance - then by Jim Crickett - I'm going to dance - until I sweat and smile.

Too little of the time do we actually use our mat to play. The mat is a place where mystery unfolds. Each time for practice is a game of peek-a-boo with our deepest self. Yes, sometimes it is challenging to practice, but by a shift in focus from difficulty to breath awareness - we can feel as light as a balloon - shedding our expectations and tuning in to what is real. In fact when we find a rough patch in the practice it is actually an invitation for creating strength. The breath is what guides us through. Try this - as you practice - if challenge arises - smile and breath evenly and try going deeper into the mystery. If you find it is truly pain you are experiencing - continue to breath easily and mindfully come out. But more often than not these places are invitations to an inner party where the party favor is strength. So take a laughing breath, expand your back body and soar into the spirit of play. Make yoga practice your time to genuinely play. Like you are meeting a friend, sharing a laugh simply because it feels good. Because I think this is the purpose of the practice.


During this time of transition between seasons I feel restless - searching for something to quell my longing as the seasons shift from bright, abundance and energy in summer to the cooling lull of fall. Like I'm vying between bright energy and hibernation. I am eager to find outlets to help me connect to a playful attitude - keep myself grounded but also light in spirit. A couple weeks ago I went to my family's annual pumpkin carving event (ah-hem competition), and my mom was a true inspiration. She found two long pumpkins that fulfilled an interesting destiny of being shaped like a sea serpent. Appropriately she decided she would make a Loc-ness Monster. In fact, she would make two: "Nessy and Bessy".

While the other women in my family competed with glitter, electrical wiring, mechanical saws and multiple pumpkins morphing into one creation - my mom went about her creation for the sheer pleasure of bringing her idea into its fullness - she enjoyed her process. The spirit she brought to her creative time was so pure. She was genuinely complimentary to others, helping others finish their work even. Playing with her grandson while creating. Other participants stayed tight-lipped about what they were making. They wouldn't talk to anyone during their process. Staying very focused on the outcome - investing their efforts with intention to win.

My mom came in fourth place. She was surprised to have placed at all, and seemed genuinely indifferent to the results. I told her she did the best job. Her pumpkins held a certain vision and spirit that transcended any judges' verdict. After all it takes play to know play.

When life is full of blessings and you look around and find an empty spot inside - find time to do something for the sheer enjoyment of it - go into the mystery - turn longing into laughing.

Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again

Sometimes I feel like Humpty Dumpty. The egg-man from the nursery rhyme who couldn't be put back together again. I am a self-proclaimed "bag of bones" - disconnected and discombobulated yet somehow together....somehow breathing. Despite at times, my broken body, mind and heart - I am always equally inspired to put myself back together again; always infused with spirit. Over the years I have learned a few things. Yet surprise abounds at how quickly the learning curve of my being changes - new, unknown caverns in which to frolick, dance and play. Sometimes deep and dark, rocky and rough - but nothing that a steady mind and loving heart can't smooth over time. Faster and subtler my chosen patterns of loving and accepting assist my coming into my destiny of fullness - my total union with the flow or Anusara. The thing that always works is compassion and love born from introspection.

Life moves fast. And when life moves fast - I know I should slow down. Take time to feel the inner flow. Not to ignore the task at hand. But to try to change the lens from which I view the task. To recognize how getting swept up in anxiety, anger or fear doesn't actually help the final outcome; energy is actually wasted on these aforementioned emotions. In fact, when I lose myself in exterior fires I become inflamed, eh-hem...broken, useless - like you know who aforementioned. I have been that crazy lady who jumps all over someone for not calling me back or not responding to an email. Only to learn that they were dealing with a serious health issue, and trying to find a way to tell me. If I would have taken a breath and met my inner flow - I would have felt that expansive space behind the breast bone - that truly feels endless. True love is endless and non-judgmental. If I'd found my heart space I may have found a better way to express the lonliness and hurt I was actually feeling missing their return phone call; rather than let my saddness manifest in anger. Then maybe in the future they would feel like I am easier to talk to and would call me back sooner when dealing with a difficult situation.

Yes, I like to withdraw my love when I'm angry and sad with someone. I ignore them or yell at them. Instead of admitting or discussing what I'm feeling - it seems easier, better armor, to withdraw love by either ignoring or yelling. In fact, I am pretty sure I learned this from my mom. Two speeds when the anger button gets flipped: Ignore or yell.

Now as a mom myself and as someone who has come to learn that I value relationships over being right - I am trying to find that place in the middle. To learn that love is possible in each moment and move into the unknown from a place of compassion and love. Regardless of what I've learned from my parents - I know that it is possible to break new ground. I also know that it is up to be to make the change rather than become a victim of my upbringing.

When I feel the Humpty Dumpty within sliding close to the wall I know it is time for introspection. To greet myself with a "how do you do?" in a sincere way. Sitting to meditate is a sincere question we ask ourselves. We go in and turn away from nothing. Meeting each sensation and staying present with it until something new arises for as long as possible - even staying with the broken places - even loving the broken places. Giving especially the broken places a voice to grieve and be heard, to be hugged and kissed on the forehead. The rainbow spectrum of sensation can be so vibrant and beautiful. Sensation and stories arise from deep layers of the mind. As the layer of the former difficulty arises, if I stay with it, as long as it's there, until it's gone, it is gone in a finite way. The pattern has left and there is room for something new. I am aware of something that has created pain in my past and I can move forward with awareness to avoid that same harm in the present and future. The accumulation of this is a clean slate to build the life of dreams.

When you have a difficult meditation or practice it is actually a sign of growth. If you have had a moment where you feel like practice just might not be for you - that is the time you are standing on a very powerful crossroads. If you stay with it - you are bound to experience a break-through - to learn of a past brokenness - that can be fully healed through your attention, sincerity and love. If you leave you can always justify that it just wasn't working, because you will never know what jewel of wisdom you left behind. The ego is always trying to take us out of practice, because it wants us to keep our familiar patterns for that very reason - they are familiar. Going in to the unknown guarantees destabalizing something. That is why it is important to be clear about your intentions and be dedicated to your task at hand. That way when the hard stuff crops up -your commitment keeps you in the game. What are you seeking to gain? What do you want to manifest?

The hard reality and beautiful truth are the same: We are all Humpty Dumpty. Although it can be difficult and take a lot of practice, I am confident we are each so powerful and well-equipped to put ourselves back together again. Not only put back together, but be fully aware and head overheels in love with our inner beauty. In our broken moments we are called to choose - accept and bemoan the brokenness - or find the lumionous, supportive space within.

Turn it Around

Sometimes I see a glimpse of the deep order in nature, and this beautiful peek always fills me with such comfort. Yesterday, in a moment of connection to the grand flow of nature, I consider whatever I am feeling has two sides: The side that is most apparent, or at the surface. And the other side that is below the surface. Each of these points of view creates waves of thoughts, emotions and physical reactions. Therefore if both sides are always present - don't I have a choice of which to align with and further manifest? Does that mean I can do away with the other, less appealing option?

The concept of converses reminds me of my days studying for the law school entrance exam. On the exam you must demonstrate your ability to identify holes in logic. For example if a=c and b=a then does c=b? These types of fun little puzzles are everywhere, aren't they? If I am mad at my mother-in-law does that mean I love her? Since it is true that if I am angry that means I also love the object of my anger. So I can choose to focus on the reality that I love her and then attempt to express my emotions and deepen intimacy within the relationship. My other option might be to express the anger in a different way.

The science of yoga also celebrates converse puzzles of logic.

Here we go...

When you attempt a back-bend what usually happens? Something brings you out, right? Think for a moment what brings you out and then finish reading. I can only speak from experience. I know that pain in my low back, weak neck and upper back muscles kept me from enjoying back bends. Most importantly my pain was born from a general lack of awareness of how to hold myself. All I could find within was tightness, pain, drudgery. The physical expression always comes from the inner body. So yoga is always inviting us to align from the inner body - to tap into the layers of who we are and find truth - then the truth manifests into beauty. That's why when I see students move I constantly say - "beautiful, gorgeous" because it takes so much courage to step onto the mat and only truth/beauty can be born from courage. The act of courage is a release and renunciation of fear. The more we practice the act of courage the more fear dissipates from the layers of our existence. So....practice back bends if you wish to be fearless. A back bend can be defined as having all of the following present:

*clear, steady alignment in the lower body,
*a full, supported channel of inner-body energy in the low and middle back,
* and the outer shoulder blades reaching toward one another at the back of the heart.

Upon reflection regarding my former days in back bend misery, I articulate my attitude as being one of ignorance or lack of awareness. After some self-study what happens when I am ignorant on a subject I tend to be easily persuaded by fear. If I don't know the answer I get nervous, anxious, fearful. Therefore it only makes sense that I would be unable to perform a back bend and experience the opposite of fear - support, comfort, joy, even love.

Now as a more seasoned yoga practitioner I can see these parallels in my life. When I contract. When I am scared, fearful, ignorant - I have a reflex. My reflex is to act - speak and act in ways that don't honor my highest self. Into the awareness that I am in a state of fear I am able to realize that I need to turn my feeling on its head - uttanita. The translation of uttanita is "to turn it around." Therefore if I am experiencing a reflex born from fear - I know I am somehow disconnected from awareness - I am not seeing the truth - either physically, mentally or emotionally. Once I realize that I am disconnected, I can trace the disconnection to a specific area of my life. Then I am able to rationalize what created the disconnection. Finally I am able to repair the disconnection. What is the opposite of disconnection - being plugged in to the grand, deep order of nature. Our disconnections, while frustrating - are also equally beautiful. The disconnections are what force us to seek the truth and beauty - within our back bends and in all relationships.

Trust

Grace is the invisible, yet ever present, unwavering support for our lives. Not only the support for us to survive, but the support for us to thrive. The practice of yoga looms us into consciousness with Grace. We are able to surf the current when we feel how supported we are to act with courage and confidence. We are the ones we have been waiting for, and we are the point the universe is trying to make (Professor Douglas Brooks says this). He says that we are in a constant state of connecting and disconnecting to how amazingly intelligent and worthy we are. We use the asana practice as a container to wipe away the dust that settles and veils us from the reality that we are pure consciousness.

When our bones, muscles and tissues are well aligned our nervous system is relaxed. Our brain transmits a signal that all is well. There is a deep order within our physical body - just as there is an order to the cosmos, the universe and indeed our environment. There is an order among people, animals and ecosystems. Everything has a place and everything is related to one another. When we slip out of alignment in any of our relationships we feel pain; we curse the current for not being present for us - neglecting to lift us up. Yet it is always us that is free to choose to surf or sink.

For many years I would go to my doctor regularly - at least once a month from the time I was 22 until I was 27. Believing she was the person in charge of ensuring that I feel better. Relying on her to help get me back into alignment. Relying on her to discover the deeper problems creating my symptoms of chronic strep throat, back and neck pain. I saw chiropractors weekly hoping that they would some how find the magic fix to relieve my pain. I would pick up books on yoga and practice yoga in many different ways. And I would always feel better upon offering my questions up to my practice. Yet I never saw the yoga practice as the cure. I thought medicine and adjustments would heal me. I was always waiting around for someone else to seal my fate. Someone much smarter, wiser, someone with more titles after or before their name would be delivering me a message that would make my pain go away.

Pregnancy was the first time I was able to fully understand the potency of self-healing. I had a common experience of many pregnant women in that my digestion became very slow -- creating an overgrowth of yeast and bacteria in my body. No doubt the years of antibiotics contributed to this condition and the pregnancy likely highlighted the symptoms. Upon this diagnosis from my general practitioner I was horrified and uncomfortable. Sadly her prescription did not ease my mind either. She said to take a course of antibiotics for the bacteria. I am not a science buff, but my question was how would this cure the yeast? Wouldn't antibiotics create more yeast? The bacteria did need clearing, since it was risky toward the baby being born pre-term.

Challenging my doctors advice I went to an applied kinesiologist and a natural health doctor. Both practitioners confirmed my thought that antibiotics would be counter-intuitive, and finally I felt a large amount of relief. They had supported my instinct....I somehow felt healing wasn't far away. Instead of a course of antibiotics I started a course of whole vitamins, fish oil, vitamin C, calcium among other rituals to eliminate the unwanted bacteria and yeast. Changing my diet by eliminating dairy, soy and gluten. Within a few days I felt a lot better and over the course of months leading into present day - I have not felt so healthy since I was a young child.

Returning to my general doctor I received a clean bill of health a few months later and to present day. My doctor actually asked me if she could document the remedies and share them with other people. She did further research to determine that other doctors in her field use similar homeopathic strategies for healing patients with similar conditions.

It was a big step to stray from the advice of my doctor and rely on my gut. After many years of having my doctor on a pedestal, as someone who knows more - someone who would heal me - to rather trust in myself. My practice leads me to studentship of the great order and mystery that is me. As I step into practice each day - my physical alignment brings my head, heart and stomach into union. The dust of doubt gets cleared away through my courage to trust in my intelligence, wisdom and experience. Who am I but a living, breathing embodiment of intelligent life; I am worthy and amazing. My practice is fueled by a deep desire to align - to uncover more of this amazing and deep order.

Don't let anyone (including yourself!!!!) tell you or make you feel like you are unworthy. You are intelligent, worthy, amazing and bright. When the dust settles trust that you have the ability to wipe it away in any moment you choose. Sit for a few moments in meditation each day to grow closer to your inner wisdom. Surrender your eyes to close while taking a nice seat, and let yourself be breathed. Know that there is support for your life to be full and radiant. Let your groins settle toward the Earth and your abdomen and ribs to reach toward the back body extending upward toward the Sky. See yourself radiating bright light within. See the inner wisdom in your intelligent channel and move through your day from this place. Namaste.

Fullness

I know my yoga is working. My yoga helps me be the best version of myself. The side of my person who I like when I look in the mirror, when I fall asleep and when i'm discoursing with others. Here is how I know...

Last Thursday, the night before my 33- hour yoga immersion weekend, I found a large area of our downstairs carpet wet. Almost an entire week later we determine the cause of our wet carpet (a burst pipe). This high level and long duration of ambiguity and frustration would normally drive me (or anyone) crazy. Not to mention the fact alone that our carpet and other parts of our finished basement are in ruins. Top this with the reality that we have never had an issue with water in our basement, nor did any previous owners for the last 30 years. Combine all of this with being a new mom, a teacher who helps people find their center, and you could say this is a recipe for a minor meltdown. Or just the opposite...

I thought..."Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I practice the first principle (Open to Grace) instead of going straight to my pattern of practicing second principle (Muscle Energy)." While I had moments of beating myself up with inquisition: "How could this happen?" "We've done a horrible job protecting our investment?" "How could we be so irresponsible?" All of these would prove wasted energy, since it was a problem we never could have predicted. Thankfully, overall, I was able to mitigate these counterproductive thoughts and reactions. Instead by pausing and acknowledging my reality (first principle) I was able to move almost straight to acceptance. The flow of life offers me a basement of ruins, yet I get to choose how to respond.

The reactions of my former flagellating-self were not of interest. Keeping body, mind and emotions balancing were the call of my practice. Throughout the weekend I chose to affirm life by treating the people around me well and following my breath. Each time the negative storm of emotions rose I would counter with more breath, more first principle. "Open to your life - this is the offering - you get to choose," was my mantra. I'd remind myself that this was a wave and while I can't stop it I can choose to sink or go surfing. I am happy to report that I chose to surf.

The interesting thing about this situation is that for the last nine months I have been fantasizing about transforming our downstairs from a family room to a yoga space/play space for August. Since August began crawling my desire for this transformation has steadily grown. You could argue that where energy goes - energy flows. In this case that "flowing" took the literal form of water. I don't (and didn't) wish for the water and subsequent ruins to be the precursor to re-doing our downstairs, however, the circumstances have set in motion the very outcome I desire.

The truth is this is a less than desirable situation. Our downstairs is a wreck. We are still haggling with insurance adjusters, contractors, etc. This is where my second principle work enters (Muscle Energy). In this experience I have been able to identify the appropriate place for the principles - all because I see the ability of my choices to empower my dream into reality. Each step in this process guides us one step closer to creating an amazing space for yoga- play. It is all in the attitude and actions you apply to facing the reality. I am confident that if I choose to view this situation as a catalyst to a dream come true - then that is the result I will achieve.

It helps that I am aware of the cosmological concept called Anava Mala. Anusara yoga metaphysics identifies that the condition of being human entails three malas, or conditions (dust) that limit (veil) our ability to experience our nature, which is always supreme consciousness. As the pulse that creates life moves from pure consciousness into human form - limitations to experience the fullness of our nature become inherent to the human condition. Anava Mala arises when we feel that we are "less than, unworthy, inferior." Malas are the dust that cover up the truth that we are always pulsing with fullness - supreme consciousness. The truth is that we always have everything that we need to be content, happy and full. Just like the grass is always beneath the snow; although cleverly hidden from view. Our bodies have boundaries and limitations and consequently so do our minds. However our spirit (heart) is always boundless, full and complete. The body and mind cause us to forget, to limit our capacity to experience our boundless spirit. Yet our heart reminds us that we have everything we need to be satisfied - even happy or blissful.

The highest practice we can wish to achieve is to be able to step into the flow of grace with acceptance and wonder rather than negativity and fear. The flow is all of the chaos, fluctuations of our life, so even when Anava Mala arises - we can smile and know that the fullness is present - even as the dust settles on our heart and limits our ability to connect to supreme consciousness. Grace is the truth that there is support for our life - even with all the dust, the waves, the chaos - grace is the constant, which takes tangible form in our breath. This cloaking of our nature is supposed to happen, so that we can remember and be able to celebrate the next time we get a hit of the divine splendor that is at the core essence of our existence.

Evidence that there is support for our lives rang true to me when hearing this quote last weekend during the fluctuations of my life: "Any thought that your mind can create is never 100% true, so why not decide to align with the positive side of that thought?" Here are the sanskrit and English translation for the Anusara Invocation, which illustrate the highest path of our practice:

Anusara Invocaton:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

Saccidananda Murtaye

Nisprapancaya Shantaya

Niralambaya Tejase

Translation:

I offer myself to the Light, who is the True Teacher

within and without (the teacher of all teachers),

Who assumes the forms of

Reality, Consciousness and Bliss,

Who is never absent and is full of peace,

Independent in its existence,

It is the vital essence of illumination.

Self-Knowledge

As my heart opens I find a tandem opening of my ears and eyes to my students and my own life. The more I open I realize I continue learning about life, others and myself. The highest path for yoga practice is to know oneself, so I hear and read from teachers and books. But what does this mean? Don't we spend each day with ourselves? Along this journey I have formed certain preferences to food, clothing, music, etc. Yet it seems these preferences can often be fleeting; I can be fickle. So I continue to search for what is steady....timeless...constant. I crave this grounding, so I know it must exist, right? The answers to all of life's questions are simple and very close to consciousness, right? Yes.

I have a student whom I will call Lisa. Lisa is a healthy, petite, sweet lady. She is a school teacher at a grade school. She eats well, practices yoga, participates in her community, and enjoys much balance in her life. Until recently when Lisa experienced the nightmare of sciatic pain. I have not experienced this pain myself, but I hear it is similar to the pain of needing a root canal. I have also heard the phrase, "Worse than labor pains," attributed to sciatic nerve pain. I should also point out that Lisa experienced this pain while doing a day to day task - not on her yoga mat. Lisa was bumming. After some time away she returns to yoga practice and brings with her an amazing attitude and perspective on injury.

Lisa wants to keep moving and stay healthy. The doctors are offering her a surgery to fuse her sacroiliac joint to her sacrum, and she is questioning the option of surgery every step of the way. Lisa comes to her mat. She uses a chair and blocks and she makes it through the hour paying close attention to her body's response to yoga poses. Honoring herself every step of the way. She works with her physical therapist and cross checks all information between her PT, her physician and myself. She gathers data from other surgery survivors of this kind. Her husband joins her at appointments to continue his study of her condition and her options.

Lisa has a choice. As we all have a choice. Simply because we are injured does not mean we are weak. Lisa's choice to educate herself and to move through fear and continue healing her body from within in an appropriate, skillful way prove that she is strong. The moments when things are darkest are always our moments to choose to see the light more brightly - to see more clearly what we truly want. As we choose light we find we often emerge even stronger than before the dark moment. How can this be true? Because when we are offered the deep work that comes with challenge, and we choose to use it as a chance to know ourselves more intimately, we become fully uplifted by the current of grace that is always supporting our lives. We see that while our lives have the ability to be challenging there is equal amount of capacity to rise to meet the challenge. We find there is support for our process of seeking self-knowledge. Even if it isn't what doctors recommend and even if it takes longer than surgery recovery. There is still support for our journey inward.

I can speak on the other side of Lisa's story. When I hurt my sacroiliac joint two years ago it was so painful and embarrassing I thought I would never practice yoga again, never mind teach yoga. The more pushing and forcing I did with myself - the more elusive healing became. When creating space for my injury (even loving myself in this region of my body), and as I continue to allow myself space - I become more aware of the mechanics of this part of my body. Further I realize the interconnection of this part of my body to other parts. Lastly I become a better teacher, because of this awareness. I can relate to students better. Not just students with SI issues, but students with any injury. And students who practice without injury -I can help them find their way more easily, so they can avoid injury.

While we would never wish for injury or darkness in any form - we must admit - sometimes darkness is the path. When the path is dark we always have the choice of how we will respond. In your deepest rut, your most frustrating moment - can you try to see the choices you still have? It is deep work, but as you endeavor capacity grows.

As we collect this wisdom in our minds, may we find the strength and courage to use this in our lives. I believe knowing oneself is to find unity in the wide spectrum of experience and life. The deeper our practice the more difference dissolves and unity remains. Unity is the constant. Unity is the steady pulse that is always present. On our yoga mat. In our relationships. In our body, mind and spirit. While our minds will always seek to divide, our hearts will always seek to unify. May we choose to live from our hearts and deepen our capacity for darkness. Namaste.

Co-Participation

I am in love with yoga, because yoga helps me fall in love with myself and my life every day. My first attraction to yoga is indescribable; I can't recall the precise moment. But yoga remains my siren singing me to sea. And I can't help but hear and appreciate the song every day. I believe we are all born with an understanding of what we are. What it means to be human - to have a journey that is unique, special, one of a kind. But to also have our breath, which ultimately chooses and governs us and links us to the greater whole. When we accept this love affair between our individual self and our Universal self we find the space of shanti (peace) and ananda (bliss). The practice of yoga is listening to the siren's call (the Universal), and realizing that she is guiding us home.


Yoga reminds us that we are both individual and Universal. Our lives are real - with all their joy, pain and the wide spectrum of experience in between. Yet there is also a part of each of us which we do not control. Consider that if you hold your breath - inevitably you will pass out and respiration resumes. You can't control this, as much as you may try. As a result, each time we roll out our mat it is important to consider the following. Since birth each living creature has countless life experiences, which overtime shape that creature's response to stimuli and situations. The creature's response to the twists and turns of life create a physical, mental and emotional imprint or conditioning. This conditioning causes the being to exhibit certain responses to situations. The sanskrit word for this conditioning is samskara. Samskara means: sams (complete or joined together) kara (action or doing). Here is a beautiful explanation of samskara from a yoga teacher and psychologist.

As a psychologist, I'm aware that the repetitive behavior students exhibit during yoga class originated long before they stepped onto the mat; the classroom is simply the arena in which we can witness our deeply ingrained habits in all their glory. According to yogic philosophy, we're born with a karmic inheritance of mental and emotional patterns—known as samskaras—through which we cycle over and over again during our lives.

In addition to being generalized patterns, samskaras are individual impressions, ideas, or actions; taken together, our samskaras make up our conditioning. Repeating samskaras reinforces them, creating a groove that is difficult to resist. Samskaras can be positive—imagine the selfless acts of Mother Theresa. They can also be negative, as in the self-lacerating mental patterns that underlie low self-esteem and self-destructive relationships. The negative samskaras are what hinder our positive evolution. ---End Quote---

When we experience pain in our physical, mental or emotional body- on some level - we are noticing samskara. We may not be fully cognizant of the origin of the pain (the pattern or traumatic event, cause of pain) - we can only describe it for the way it manifests in that moment. In example, "my groins have hurt for a very long time." We move forward and attempt to correct this pain and it lingers for days, weeks, months or years. We cannot heal until we are conscious of the pattern or event that has created the pain in the first place. Once we can be fully aware of the pattern then we must change that pattern in a skillful way. We must move from our individual samskara toward the Optimal Blueprint.

Answer to correct pain and remove the rut of samskara? Enter the Optimal Blueprint - a map of anatomical position. This map can be routed in your body via the Universal Principles of Alignment as codified by John Friend, founder of Anusara Yoga. Limb three of yoga is asana, which means connection. Therefore each yoga asana is an opportunity to more intimately understand the connection of all components of the physical body; the place where your individual self meets your Universal self. When you succeed in seeing yourself as you are with full acceptance, and you choose to shift in a positive, life-affirming way your experience is an indescribable, yet familiar feeling - you are home. This is the process of realizing and willingly releasing samskara.

When our bones are more optimally aligned our connective tissue relaxes. This sends a message to our brain that reads, "Fear not, all is well." Finally our emotional body is more tranquil as the former bodies are in a state of health and peace. The deeper we go with our practice the more second nature the Optimal Blueprint becomes. We can get there faster in each pose.....we learn how to chase the optimal in each practice. What follows is a more comfortable physical state, which allows our body to sit for longer meditation. When we can sit longer we penetrate the deep ripples of samskara that lodge themselves in the layers of our physical, mental and emotional bodies.

When we release samskara it is expected that students may weep, laugh or experience a wide spectrum of release, as the samskara rises to consciousness and then melts away. The more we release negative samskara the more intimately we know our Universal self, and the more reluctant we are to betray ourselves. Because we realize how perfect we are. How complete we are. Therein we love ourselves so fully that it is exactly like the love a mother feels for her child - this love is boundless. When we practice this co-participation we see ourselves so clearly for our amazing beauty and light that we become our own idol. We awake to the siren's song. We feel the tenderness of our muscles and the stiffness of our bones. We slide into a gentle twist, allow our ribs to open and we receive the Universal. We smile and enjoy our co-participation; our embodiment. It is the pain that teaches us to chase the alignment. When we realize we need both the pain and the pleasure we have mastery in some great way.

To the journey of going home and the subsequent hit of bliss.

I get hits of this every once in a while, so I know it is true. Do you?

We have so much power and talent that we can use yoga and meditation to trace the pain of our past, let it go and move into our future with lightness and freedom. We must begin with a commitment to become a student of our individual as well as our Universal body. We approach each practice with an intention to find the meeting ground for the two sides of this coin. Therein we harness all wisdom, we unveil. We become acquainted with what is ours to control and shape and what can be released. Herein lies peace.

Desire (Iccha)

I am creating a rugged map of yoga that illuminates my recent inspiration to harness and refine desire in my own life. First I want to offer my deepest gratitude to my teachers Ali Certain and Ronna Rochell. In perspective I also offer that my heart is open in a big way for embracing the path and message of Anusara yoga and as a result I give due credit to myself as well.

Today's lesson focuses on desire. This is a word with tons of connotation both positive and negative. In many ways desire is what leads to misery in my own life, but it is now that I am taking a deeper look at desire. We can all relate to the desire for ice cream, attention, money, time off from work....you fill in the blank. Desire bombards us; it is relentless. Anusara yoga says, "Good celebrate your desire, but be skillful."


In my life as a Minnesotan growing up with teacher parents devoted to the Lutheran Church you could say that I was given mixed messages about desire. Desire? Bad. Discipline? Good. Okay so I honored that as best I could - often ignoring things that felt natural to me because they didn't seem disciplined. Example? As a graduating senior I chose my college based on the prompting of my parents instead of following an instinct, and the encouragement of my drama coach to go to New York City and insert myself in the theater scene. I was always performing in downhill skiing, choir, solo vocal performance, and plays. Yet these activities should be hobbies, according to my parents. And so being the disciplined, studious daughter I had always been I went to the Lutheran Liberal Arts college and attempted to set my sights on something more serious.

I began with a double major in biology and chemistry; declaring a pre-medicine major. I promptly hit a wall in my first study group when a fellow member took notice of my inability to keep up with concepts she said were "basic." I remember leaving that study group so sad. I felt like such a failure. I was crying to my roommate, calling my parents - threatening to quit school. The next four years were a steady pulse of the same theme of missing the mark revealing itself. I majored in math, physics, communications, political science, fashion and apparel design somehow emerging with a double major in print journalism and political science. I found the school newspaper and the mock trial my stage; finding intermittent moments of success and repose. Receiving an occasional nod from professors for articles on refugee influx, implications of war in non-democratic societies and farm bill policy.

The fire of desire was revealing itself in a passion for identifying injustice and mis-alignment in the world. I set my sights on law school determining I would be a lobbyist or work for a non-governmental agency advocating for human rights. I followed this desire to the law school application process, to Denver, Colorado working as a paralegal. Again I hit walls. I was sick; chronic strep throat. My Midwestern lungs couldn't take the Denver air; not at this time anyway. I couldn't take care of others through this lofty mission of advocacy when I was unwell myself. Connecting to a yoga practice after a brief absence from yoga I started to feel an unveiling; desire was returning.

This time desire led me back to Minnesota. One tonsilectomy and I was ready to find work in law again. I spent the next year working for two different attorneys and again....hit the wall. My work was in the business of law - not in the business of helping. The story doesn't end here. There were more walls and more moments of clarity.

Today my svadharma (desired path) is the same. My desire combined with my gifts has always been to serve. The form that this takes today is in a mission to light a path for those open to the message. The word guru means from darkness to lightness. I am not a guru because yoga comes so easy for me; yoga is very difficult work for me. But because I am willing to be honest with myself; to roll out the mat each day and look inside at what is truly there....I gather great riches to share a means to find the path into light. This deep work is fueled by a desire to live my life in a fashion that affirms and celebrates light. And although there is plenty of darkness cloaking me along the way - yoga teaches me to reach for the highest path - my heart. My community of students are my teachers. You inspire me. You roll out your mat with such courage and trust...this is the work of moving toward the light. Your desire to unveil is so inspiring. May we lift each other up when desire is dormant...until it reveals itself again.....may we walk through the darkness and navigate a path around the walls together.

May we celebrate desire. Use desire for the fuel and life blood that it is - to listen when it calls in a skillful fashion. Desire calls us to the mat - even in the moments when we feel like life is too full to roll out the mat - may we listen to the siren call despite all odds.

To your desire.

Opening to Grace

It is a curious endeavor to teach yoga and write about yoga, because inevitably I struggle with my opportunities to practice what I teach in my own life. There are many moments every day where I want to dismiss yogic philosophy - justifying that it doesn't apply to my situation. I feel like my experience is the exception rather than the rule. Then I soften and laugh at myself realizing how wrong I am. It is very challenging to make the shift from absorbing in the flow of society and finding the flow of Grace. After all, I am not meditating on a mountain; I am living as a householder in the real world. And I'm trying to find the light within a sea of challenges - in a world where mis-deeds and inequities are everywhere. And when these same mis-alignments are even celebratory for some. It is in these moments I have come to value the practice of seeing that things are not complicated; they are actually simple. The more I remember the path of Anusara I re-infuse energy into the lesson of my collective life, which can be summed up in this thought: "Remember, Plug-In and Brighten."

I believe that by practicing and sharing the Tantric path of yoga beautiful ripples of energy will flow into the world and create the best outcome for present and future generations. I don't teach yoga only to feel better and help others feel better. I teach yoga to change the world in a way that will preserve and help the planet and beyond to thrive for future generations. I believe that every moment is a key moment and that my alignments and mis-alignments with Nature have consequences. So how do I make decisions? In a 28 year lifetime of not knowing my "thing" I have for the past three years bound myself to something that feels so affirming that this once commitment-phobe has reformed. My thing? Anusara yoga and Tantric philosophy.

Tantra means a technology or instrument for expansion of Spirit. Tantric philosophy applied to a yoga practice has a very different implication than Advaita Vedanta Yoga, which began approximately 6th century BCE or Classical Yoga, which began approximately 2nd to 5th century CE. Tantra began approximately 7th or 8th century CE.

Classical Yoga teaches that freedom can be achieved by isolating pure awareness from the material world. That the Spirit that embodies the flesh is superior to the body. The body is an inferior vehicle, but through discipline humans can transcend the material inferiority. In Advaita Vedanta yoga freedom occurs when perceptions are shifted to see Spirit everywhere and realize that matter is an illusion. Through Advaita Vedanta we are to learn to change our thinking to realize that you are not your body...you are something much more. Tantric yoga says that freedom is achieved by aligning with the Divine Flow simultaneously within the physical experience. Tantra says that both Spirit and matter are real and that the body is a manifestation of Spirit. Essentially that Spirit took such delight in learning about itself that it decided to bind itself into matter to increase its spectrum of experience and understanding. Therefore body and Spirit are one - nothing to be transcended or changed - we simply have to plug in to the flow of remembering our Universal or Divine nature. To honor the Light (Namaste).

All yogic philosophies provide a systematic way to alleviate suffering in the human condition. Yet Tantra tells us that our body, our material form is not a hindrance to enlightenment. In fact we can experience enlightenment within our body, because it has been fashioned by the Universal. This means we can discover the Universal in our lives and in all things. The other schools of yoga assert that the body is somehow inferior and must be conquered and disciplined. Discipline is certainly a large part of Anusara yoga, but the work is plugging into the flow of Grace. We have to learn about ourselves and our nature in order to align with our nature. We quickly realize that this means work.

When we sit on the couch and watch television we are Divine. When we get frustrated with people we love we are Divine. When we lie we are Divine. But this does not mean that everything is going to be easy, and it does not mean that the Divine takes delight in our laziness or our mis-deeds. The Divine is very much hurt and devastated by our mis-deeds i.e. the sickness I feel after eating too many Twizzlers. These mis-alignments reveal themselves in our bodies, minds and hearts. They create a film over our radiance. This is why yoga poses feel so life affirming; the Divine delights in mindful movement i.e. us supporting the Universal Principles of Alignment (UPA). Yoga poses are our way of connecting to the Divine through the UPA. Enter asana, meditation, relationships and everything that requires work, but has tremendous value. It takes effort and constant care to maintain a yoga practice or a relationship, but we do it because we receive so much happiness as a result. Yoga practice and healthy relationships are life affirming acts. This is how I make decision in daily life. Does this affirm the highest intentions I set for my life? If yes then I go for it with great gusto! If not then I try to avoid the mis-alignment and see the lesson.

The path of Anusara acknowledges that life in this body and in this world is going to be challenging. But if we get to know ourselves and if we learn to step into the flow it will become easier to make skillful choices. As a result of our chit (self-awareness) we become more connected to the Sat (truth) that we are engineered by the Divine (ananda) - Sadchitananda. When we know this truth on a physical level we are more inspired to continue to seek moments with our Divine nature. We yearn to unveil, to remember. This is where flexible and strong unite - expansion and contraction. When we are both. When we are the unique individual with a story and experience, but we are also deeply connected to the truth that we are also the Universal. We understand and more effortlessly connect in an affirming way to all things the more we unveil.

When I sit on the couch - watching television and eating Twizzlers am I engaging in a life affirming action? The question is answered, "it depends." It depends whether doing this activity affirms the larger picture I want to see for my life. Therefore whenever I am confused about how to live my yoga this is the new question I ask: "Does this activity affirm my life and the highest intentions I imagine for myself?" If I can answer honestly then I know what I need to do. It is this simple. The difficult part is figuring out what you want and then courageously acting in a fashion that affirms and aligns with the highest intentions you have for your existence. What you want ultimately. Not what you want instant gratification-style. What are your highest intentions for your life? What value do these intentions hold for you? And what are you willing to do about making these intentions a reality?

Anusara yoga embraces a dance of Shiva Shakti energy in all things that are living. Shiva meaning "The One." Shakti meaning "the many." Therefore we are The One and we are the many. We absorb in a constant pulsation of veiling and unveiling of our true nature, which according to Anusara and Tantra is, at its core essence, pure goodness by virtue that we are each "The One". While there is evil in the world and people are capable of evil - nothing at its core essence is evil - everything is instead good because everything has been created for and from the delight of The Divine. Our bodies bind us. They are finite vessels vulnerable to aches, pains, illness and disease. As a result of our material form we often forget that at our core essence we are Divine, Universal, Light, Shiva. But imagine how our world and our children's world would look if we all walked around everyday totally blissed out - fully swimming in the current of Grace - completely unveiled? Beautiful. This is my highest intention for my life. This is what I want. And I will tell you that sometimes eating Twizzlers affirms this and sometimes it doesn't.

We each have so much on our plate each day that it may seem exhausting to think about these lofty goals. However if we dare to dream we can plug into bliss during even the most challenging portions of our day. If we start to see the Divine in all things. If we extend a smile to a stranger we see that the stranger most likely smiles back. If we choose to listen instead of yell we may understand the individual better and within that connection we align with the Divine. We tap into the Universal. In living this way we actually conserve energy. We let go of consuming, energy-depleting emotions like anger, saddness, anxiety and regret. We are lined up with our birth right, which is joy, peace and love. As the great Tantric scholar, Douglas Brooks says, "We are the point the Universe is trying to make."

Dancing Through Another Year

How to begin? Receive the dance. In life everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. Some things in life are out of our control with regard to the beginning, middle and end, while other things are very much within our control. Yoga is a science that has the ability to help us better understand our role in creating or absorbing the beginning, middle and end of all things in our lives. Yoga lengthens our antenna creating music out of static, which gives us strength to ride the tides of change that shift events from beginning, middle and end. The more we fill our lives with music the more we will enjoy the dance.

When you sit with your eyes closed the awareness of your breath links you to a better understanding of your inner body. In example, shallow breath entails that your being is mired in static, while a deep breath indicates music. Breath is a dancer. She embodies us to begin our life and she exhales herself out of us at the end. If the dancer is in charge of the beginning and end – who controls the middle and where is the music?? The truth both beautiful and painful is that to a large extent we control a lot of what happens in the middle.

The movie Black Swan portrays one woman’s attempt to embody both the innocent, demure white swan and the sultry, exotic black swan. She must dance on both the light and dark sides of the reality of her existence. In each of us there lives a white and black swan. On most days we have a measured balance of light and dark. Yet exposure and confrontation to different variables in all aspects of our lives can pull the balance of light and dark to one extreme. Over a period of many days, months or years we may only hear static, only see darkness. The middle portion of our dance can feel out of rhythm and uninspired. Luckily to begin again, to freshen up our attitude, is always our choice.

In the season of New Year we have a tangible mark to inspire us to begin. There is a dance already in place for each of us. We have an opportunity to take stock of where the dance is in all areas of our lives. Maybe we even have a voice in determining what can come to an end and what we want to begin. In our practice it is important to consider which poses, people, circumstances create challenge. Often it is easier to avoid that which is unfamiliar or challenging. But it is usually within that confusion or challenge where we find the most growth and ability to release negativity more fully. Challenge yourself to go in and meet those things you typically avoid as a result of fear. Confront confusion. You will always get an answer. It may not be what we expect or hope for, but once confronted there is almost always a release. If we choose not to go in – to avoid the challenges in our lives – then they are always lingering. We give those things power by allowing them to become whatever we most fear. Stamp it out and kick up your heels at the joy of the release! You are powerful. Go deeper and meet the reality. Chances are it isn’t as scary as you have allowed it to be. And then? Freedom to dance to the most beautiful music – your interpretation leads – full, bright and free.

In Black Swan the dancer lost herself in the darkness. But it was by her choice. We can learn from our darkness and we can choose to use it to knit more lightness into our step, more music for our delight. We can walk right into darkness and emerge finding its usefulness and letting the remains burn. The challenge and the fullness of the middle all depend on how we begin, how we take our seat – how we align our attitude. What have you learned from the last year? How do the light and dark moments inform and change how you will respond to this new beginning?

Our challenge is to process our experience, filter what is useful and let that which is un-useful end. Begin fresh with everything useful that you have been given both from light but also from darkness. And truly allow yourself to let go of the un-useful parts of the darkness. Dance in your light. Namaste.

Oh this Solid, Strong, Bending, Folding Self

A wise person once told me that he and his wife live in a two-story house.

“She has her story, and I have mine.”

Another time while out to dinner with a friend he told me that I was charming. An unnerving compliment, because at the time I was focusing on doing good deeds, making good grades – not aimlessly meandering through life on charm. I told him that I would prefer intelligence and skills, and would give away my charm for aforementioned riches. He then told me that the qualities we have, and the stories we create are what make life worth living. He went on to state that intertwining our story with the stories of others is the zest of life. At the time of this conversation I thought I was right to work hard and avoid non-sense, and he was most certainly offering an irresponsible proposition. But today I know that he was in fact correct.

The essence of living the life that we will for ourselves, while bending to the greater truth that is within and beyond can be one of the most challenging things a human can undertake. We have a view of ourselves. We pick the mat, the frame and the landscape and this is the picture of our life; our story is written. We log hours working on grades, work- relationships, projects – all of the things that will insure that our story concludes happily. Then one day we wake up, and realize we’ve been banging our head against a brick wall. We lose our appetite for this life we choose. We forget that we design and engineer this landscape.

Along the clear path in our idyllic landscape there are short-cuts. In another portion of our landscape, often hidden by the trees we draw, there is the long path that wanders well off the page. This is the part of the portrait that we didn’t draw….somehow it manages to impose itself. The short cuts are things like: Yes, I have to make money to live. Yes, I need a place to lay my head. Yes, I need clothes on my back. The list continues. But the long path wandering off the page is the shaded part of the landscape that we sometimes choose to ignore. The long path leads us on the journey of: What is my relationship to all things? A question that can likewise take a lifetime to answer, and provides much uncertainty- not to mention rough terrain. It is incredibly easy to get bogged down with the short cuts for many years and even a life-time. Yet the fun begins when we realize that we are the authors of our own story, and that along the winding path is an ocean for us to go swimming!

One day very long ago I was going to be an attorney and eventually a judge. Let me set the scene: Working feverishly to complete and excel in the myriad components necessary to be a desired law-school applicant. It was during this same time period that I took my first yoga class. I sat with people for meditation and yoga-asana. My attendance at yoga class a calculated way to reduce stress, and refuel for my many important endeavors. While these people around me so care free; contented despite ambiguity. It was clear they danced the balance of will and something greater in the way they held their bodies for asana. Somehow this ancient practice had become the cornerstone of their stories. My other thought was, “How could anyone invest such interest in this hocus pocus when there are exams to be conquered and essays to be written?”

These yogis would invite me over to have tea, chant and watch independent movies that didn’t so much have action, as they simply conveyed a slice of life. Naturally I was always far too busy with my short cuts to dance around on the long, wandering path with them in their tie-dye and incense. The thought of spending time with these people beyond sweating with them, each of us independent, on our mats, was the most terrifying invitation I could imagine. It took me three years to let go of this fear. And only now I realize my concern was that they would distract me by forcing me to have fun. At the time – I was not fun. Fun and I were like oil and water.

Time passes and I am on my clear path. After spending my first three years working in the legal field I lost the love of my boyfriend, suffering chronic strep throat and recovering from a tonsillectomy. I find it interesting to this day that the throat chakra is the seat of self-expression and truth. For most of my years pursuing a career in law I was ailing from a chronic condition ravaging this energy center. I was willing a life of sickness affecting my seat of expression and truth.

Somewhere along the way I got the message. Realizing my drive to cram my life into this “perfect” landscape was not as important as the real story that was within me and perhaps beyond my own will. It was time to transition out of law and into sales. I knew it wasn’t the end of my story, but it already felt affirming. I wasn’t sick anymore. I was tapping into my writing again and giving myself a voice – allowing myself to be charming again. This voice was from a familiar, yet scary place. Sweeping changes were the offering - if I was willing to listen. I found the wandering path. It wasn’t exactly what I saw in the drafting of my story; it was better.

Although I am young and by many standards should be schlepping through life as an attorney, I took the road less traveled. I can’t tell you how my story ends and today I am proud to say, “I wouldn’t want to know.” Bring on the dance. Bring on the tie-dye and incense. I want to taste it all. I want to continue to learn about my appetites. Most of all I want to make space for my voice and the auspicious voice and teacher that is always present. Yoga is the cornerstone of my story and it is with full confidence that I step into, dance and sometimes swim beyond the borders of my clear path.

Here is to the ambiguity of the wandering path and all the chances we have to go swimming. Here is to the play that we should carve out for ourselves regularly. Here is to celebrating the self that you are rather than conforming to some portrait you don’t even recognize as time passes.

Namaste.

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Willing Awareness into Actions

The Bhagavad Gita is an allegory of wisdom from ancient India illustrating the war within each of us: The light within vs. the five senses. Our story opens with two families vying to rule a nation - one righteously (from a place of light) and the other blindly (from a place of ignorance). The righteous side has chosen a pacifist Lord Krishna minus his army to help him win the battle. The blind side has chosen Lord Krishna's army minus Krishna himself. In a nutshell Lord Krishna's chariot is a metaphor for the human body and the five horses leading the chariot are the five senses. Also of note the blind group has a larger number of warriors, while the righteous side only has Lord Krishna and the eldest, righteous brother, Arjuna. The lesson illustrates that in the war of us against our senses there will always be more enemies than friends, but that we can defeat and control the senses by putting our awareness into action.

American holidays are the perfect illustration of the war within humans that the Bhagavad Gita identifies. We left our home last Tuesday to visit family for Thanksgiving. Initially, I was excited for the time away from obligation that a holiday offers. We packed our bags, canceled Wednesday obligations to avoid the storm, and did a general cleaning of our house. John drove. August fell asleep and I closed my eyes to find a place of meditation. It was glorious. I wouldn't have projects at home beckoning me at every turn. I wouldn't have to cook (by myself anyway) and I'd have extra hands for the baby, so I could do some much needed walking, yoga, and meditation. As a defensive move I even packed some healthy snacks to avoid the looming enemies at gas stations and mom's house.

At home John and I cook a lot. We try to maintain a pristine balance of lean proteins, gluten-free carbohydrates, fresh fruit and an abundance of green, orange, red and yellow vegetables. We try to avoid sugar and I avoid dairy. Consequently when we do meander off track with an occasional glass of wine or sweet treat it is very important to keep portions small, or my digestion notices and responds accordingly.

With the well-laid plan of healthy foods for the three-hour trip to my mom's house, and beyond I was feeling very positive that holiday excess could be tempered. I was successful all the way to mom's house and throughout Tuesday night. The enemies awaiting were abundant: She had cookies given to her, pies to be made and left over Halloween candy. My senses were unmoved; all of my planning had paid off. Consider the defense well in tact.

First offensive strike: Holiday foods and co-conspirators (Mom, John and extra calories needed for breast-feeding).

As I awoke Wednesday morning I could smell mom's coffee. She made Belgian waffles with real maple syrup and offered me to have mine with peanut butter and bananas to be more health conscious. Ok so it wasn't exactly health food, but it seemed like a lesser-evil. Smells wafting from the kitchen, a need to "break the fast" pending, and imagining the taste of peanut butter melting on doughnut-like, golden goodness. First strike received and a hit! Suddenly I'm drinking coffee and eating waffles!!??? Yikes, this was not in the defense hand-book I had so carefully planned less than 24 hours previously. I was overcome by my senses. You get the point. The remainder of the four night adventure at mom's was peppered by less than ideal food choices and coffee, both of which are Kryptonite for my constitution.

It was so much easier to take the offense's hit than scramble moment to moment to re-load. No one else gave a second thought to eating waffles and drinking coffee, why should I be so bummed about such an endeavor? I was was upset, because I knew I'd betrayed myself. Despite the awareness that waffles and coffee make me feel miserable, and moreover consumption of them would make it easier to get off track indefinitely I still managed to give in to the golden goodness. And later the pie and eventually yes - I had some of the left-over Halloween candy.

It starts with an idea. I remember that I like the taste of waffles or coffee or whatever and suddenly the brain is controlling me instead of vice versa. I smell something lovely in the kitchen and I drop good intentions and indulge. These are the ways the five senses can distract us. It is like the evil step-mother saying, "Come eat the delicious, juicy apple." Even though our instinct tells us this woman has nothing good to offer us - we give in and in the end we pay the price.

Over time our bodies have given us messages and as long as the great dancer of breath is within we will continue to receive messages from the five senses - we can choose a strong defense or we can take the offense's hits. Yoga promises that over time we will learn to control the five senses. It is our work to become aware of our war within. Awareness and action are the spoils from our defeat of the senses. But we must use them. Honor what we have decoded throughout our practice. The practice of putting awareness into action extinguishes the power our senses have over our brain. Overtime a diamond strong nervous system and a well-functioning body is evidence of our victory.

Our enemies are sly. Hidden in the offerings of family, friends and comforting traditions we may find ourselves seduced. Write your defensive hand book and make allowances for surprise attacks. Sitting for a time of meditation observing yourself objectively for at least 15 minutes every day is one way to keep the senses in check. Share your awareness with loved ones. When we say things out loud they becomes real and they lead to action. Prepare healthy snacks and make sure you are full before entering a battlefield of holiday trays bedecked with sweet and salty delights. You are a yogi, which means you have the ability to turn every situation to your advantage. You control your senses - one moment at a time.

To a moderate and happy holiday season!