When I have a quiet moment to look at my life I feel grateful. Sometimes gratitude is so authentic, it is as natural as breathing. Yet in other moments I seem to train myself to "fake it until I make it." I remember that I have shelter, food, a beautiful and loving family and a job that I enjoy. By many standards - I have it all. Yet at times there is an emptiness. I quickly remind myself about all my blessings for fear that if I chide them, admitting my vacancy, the good stuff may disappear. Sometimes I wonder where the disconnection occurs. What makes me feel plugged in to authentic gratitude and what causes me to disconnect? It seems that a general feeling of "play or lightness" is usually what I am lacking. I am forgetting the playful nature of myself, the Universe and all living things. What do all successfully adapted mammals have in common? They play with abandon throughout all stages of their lives.
Sure family and work are blessings. They connect us to others - give us an opportunity to relate, share, grow and even compete. When we are sick or sad - family and friends can feel supportive. When things are difficult at home we can take solace in the self-satisfaction a job well done can offer. But sometimes we just need something else, and it's time to be honest about that something. Without feeling like I need to covet what I have, can I find a moment to let go of outcomes and do something simply because it brings pleasure? It seems as a woman I feel tremendous responsibility to be perfect. To be light-hearted and productive and still charming and sweet. When I look closely I realize that I feel responsibility to be these things, because this is who I am by nature. And still dullness, heaviness and saddness can arise unexpectedly. I have analyzed this. Oh, it's because I didn't eat the right foods at the right time, it's a season change, it's because I got that weird email from so and so. Sometimes the icky stuff can add up and cause me to forget that I deserve a moment to do something that I enjoy - simply for the reason that I enjoy doing that thing. Even if all the laundry isn't done and the planning isn't complete. If I need to stop, turn on some music and dance - then by Jim Crickett - I'm going to dance - until I sweat and smile.
Too little of the time do we actually use our mat to play. The mat is a place where mystery unfolds. Each time for practice is a game of peek-a-boo with our deepest self. Yes, sometimes it is challenging to practice, but by a shift in focus from difficulty to breath awareness - we can feel as light as a balloon - shedding our expectations and tuning in to what is real. In fact when we find a rough patch in the practice it is actually an invitation for creating strength. The breath is what guides us through. Try this - as you practice - if challenge arises - smile and breath evenly and try going deeper into the mystery. If you find it is truly pain you are experiencing - continue to breath easily and mindfully come out. But more often than not these places are invitations to an inner party where the party favor is strength. So take a laughing breath, expand your back body and soar into the spirit of play. Make yoga practice your time to genuinely play. Like you are meeting a friend, sharing a laugh simply because it feels good. Because I think this is the purpose of the practice.
During this time of transition between seasons I feel restless - searching for something to quell my longing as the seasons shift from bright, abundance and energy in summer to the cooling lull of fall. Like I'm vying between bright energy and hibernation. I am eager to find outlets to help me connect to a playful attitude - keep myself grounded but also light in spirit. A couple weeks ago I went to my family's annual pumpkin carving event (ah-hem competition), and my mom was a true inspiration. She found two long pumpkins that fulfilled an interesting destiny of being shaped like a sea serpent. Appropriately she decided she would make a Loc-ness Monster. In fact, she would make two: "Nessy and Bessy".
While the other women in my family competed with glitter, electrical wiring, mechanical saws and multiple pumpkins morphing into one creation - my mom went about her creation for the sheer pleasure of bringing her idea into its fullness - she enjoyed her process. The spirit she brought to her creative time was so pure. She was genuinely complimentary to others, helping others finish their work even. Playing with her grandson while creating. Other participants stayed tight-lipped about what they were making. They wouldn't talk to anyone during their process. Staying very focused on the outcome - investing their efforts with intention to win.
My mom came in fourth place. She was surprised to have placed at all, and seemed genuinely indifferent to the results. I told her she did the best job. Her pumpkins held a certain vision and spirit that transcended any judges' verdict. After all it takes play to know play.
When life is full of blessings and you look around and find an empty spot inside - find time to do something for the sheer enjoyment of it - go into the mystery - turn longing into laughing.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again
Sometimes I feel like Humpty Dumpty. The egg-man from the nursery rhyme who couldn't be put back together again. I am a self-proclaimed "bag of bones" - disconnected and discombobulated yet somehow together....somehow breathing. Despite at times, my broken body, mind and heart - I am always equally inspired to put myself back together again; always infused with spirit. Over the years I have learned a few things. Yet surprise abounds at how quickly the learning curve of my being changes - new, unknown caverns in which to frolick, dance and play. Sometimes deep and dark, rocky and rough - but nothing that a steady mind and loving heart can't smooth over time. Faster and subtler my chosen patterns of loving and accepting assist my coming into my destiny of fullness - my total union with the flow or Anusara. The thing that always works is compassion and love born from introspection.
Life moves fast. And when life moves fast - I know I should slow down. Take time to feel the inner flow. Not to ignore the task at hand. But to try to change the lens from which I view the task. To recognize how getting swept up in anxiety, anger or fear doesn't actually help the final outcome; energy is actually wasted on these aforementioned emotions. In fact, when I lose myself in exterior fires I become inflamed, eh-hem...broken, useless - like you know who aforementioned. I have been that crazy lady who jumps all over someone for not calling me back or not responding to an email. Only to learn that they were dealing with a serious health issue, and trying to find a way to tell me. If I would have taken a breath and met my inner flow - I would have felt that expansive space behind the breast bone - that truly feels endless. True love is endless and non-judgmental. If I'd found my heart space I may have found a better way to express the lonliness and hurt I was actually feeling missing their return phone call; rather than let my saddness manifest in anger. Then maybe in the future they would feel like I am easier to talk to and would call me back sooner when dealing with a difficult situation.
Yes, I like to withdraw my love when I'm angry and sad with someone. I ignore them or yell at them. Instead of admitting or discussing what I'm feeling - it seems easier, better armor, to withdraw love by either ignoring or yelling. In fact, I am pretty sure I learned this from my mom. Two speeds when the anger button gets flipped: Ignore or yell.
Now as a mom myself and as someone who has come to learn that I value relationships over being right - I am trying to find that place in the middle. To learn that love is possible in each moment and move into the unknown from a place of compassion and love. Regardless of what I've learned from my parents - I know that it is possible to break new ground. I also know that it is up to be to make the change rather than become a victim of my upbringing.
When I feel the Humpty Dumpty within sliding close to the wall I know it is time for introspection. To greet myself with a "how do you do?" in a sincere way. Sitting to meditate is a sincere question we ask ourselves. We go in and turn away from nothing. Meeting each sensation and staying present with it until something new arises for as long as possible - even staying with the broken places - even loving the broken places. Giving especially the broken places a voice to grieve and be heard, to be hugged and kissed on the forehead. The rainbow spectrum of sensation can be so vibrant and beautiful. Sensation and stories arise from deep layers of the mind. As the layer of the former difficulty arises, if I stay with it, as long as it's there, until it's gone, it is gone in a finite way. The pattern has left and there is room for something new. I am aware of something that has created pain in my past and I can move forward with awareness to avoid that same harm in the present and future. The accumulation of this is a clean slate to build the life of dreams.
When you have a difficult meditation or practice it is actually a sign of growth. If you have had a moment where you feel like practice just might not be for you - that is the time you are standing on a very powerful crossroads. If you stay with it - you are bound to experience a break-through - to learn of a past brokenness - that can be fully healed through your attention, sincerity and love. If you leave you can always justify that it just wasn't working, because you will never know what jewel of wisdom you left behind. The ego is always trying to take us out of practice, because it wants us to keep our familiar patterns for that very reason - they are familiar. Going in to the unknown guarantees destabalizing something. That is why it is important to be clear about your intentions and be dedicated to your task at hand. That way when the hard stuff crops up -your commitment keeps you in the game. What are you seeking to gain? What do you want to manifest?
The hard reality and beautiful truth are the same: We are all Humpty Dumpty. Although it can be difficult and take a lot of practice, I am confident we are each so powerful and well-equipped to put ourselves back together again. Not only put back together, but be fully aware and head overheels in love with our inner beauty. In our broken moments we are called to choose - accept and bemoan the brokenness - or find the lumionous, supportive space within.
Life moves fast. And when life moves fast - I know I should slow down. Take time to feel the inner flow. Not to ignore the task at hand. But to try to change the lens from which I view the task. To recognize how getting swept up in anxiety, anger or fear doesn't actually help the final outcome; energy is actually wasted on these aforementioned emotions. In fact, when I lose myself in exterior fires I become inflamed, eh-hem...broken, useless - like you know who aforementioned. I have been that crazy lady who jumps all over someone for not calling me back or not responding to an email. Only to learn that they were dealing with a serious health issue, and trying to find a way to tell me. If I would have taken a breath and met my inner flow - I would have felt that expansive space behind the breast bone - that truly feels endless. True love is endless and non-judgmental. If I'd found my heart space I may have found a better way to express the lonliness and hurt I was actually feeling missing their return phone call; rather than let my saddness manifest in anger. Then maybe in the future they would feel like I am easier to talk to and would call me back sooner when dealing with a difficult situation.
Yes, I like to withdraw my love when I'm angry and sad with someone. I ignore them or yell at them. Instead of admitting or discussing what I'm feeling - it seems easier, better armor, to withdraw love by either ignoring or yelling. In fact, I am pretty sure I learned this from my mom. Two speeds when the anger button gets flipped: Ignore or yell.
Now as a mom myself and as someone who has come to learn that I value relationships over being right - I am trying to find that place in the middle. To learn that love is possible in each moment and move into the unknown from a place of compassion and love. Regardless of what I've learned from my parents - I know that it is possible to break new ground. I also know that it is up to be to make the change rather than become a victim of my upbringing.
When I feel the Humpty Dumpty within sliding close to the wall I know it is time for introspection. To greet myself with a "how do you do?" in a sincere way. Sitting to meditate is a sincere question we ask ourselves. We go in and turn away from nothing. Meeting each sensation and staying present with it until something new arises for as long as possible - even staying with the broken places - even loving the broken places. Giving especially the broken places a voice to grieve and be heard, to be hugged and kissed on the forehead. The rainbow spectrum of sensation can be so vibrant and beautiful. Sensation and stories arise from deep layers of the mind. As the layer of the former difficulty arises, if I stay with it, as long as it's there, until it's gone, it is gone in a finite way. The pattern has left and there is room for something new. I am aware of something that has created pain in my past and I can move forward with awareness to avoid that same harm in the present and future. The accumulation of this is a clean slate to build the life of dreams.
When you have a difficult meditation or practice it is actually a sign of growth. If you have had a moment where you feel like practice just might not be for you - that is the time you are standing on a very powerful crossroads. If you stay with it - you are bound to experience a break-through - to learn of a past brokenness - that can be fully healed through your attention, sincerity and love. If you leave you can always justify that it just wasn't working, because you will never know what jewel of wisdom you left behind. The ego is always trying to take us out of practice, because it wants us to keep our familiar patterns for that very reason - they are familiar. Going in to the unknown guarantees destabalizing something. That is why it is important to be clear about your intentions and be dedicated to your task at hand. That way when the hard stuff crops up -your commitment keeps you in the game. What are you seeking to gain? What do you want to manifest?
The hard reality and beautiful truth are the same: We are all Humpty Dumpty. Although it can be difficult and take a lot of practice, I am confident we are each so powerful and well-equipped to put ourselves back together again. Not only put back together, but be fully aware and head overheels in love with our inner beauty. In our broken moments we are called to choose - accept and bemoan the brokenness - or find the lumionous, supportive space within.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Turn it Around
Sometimes I see a glimpse of the deep order in nature, and this beautiful peek always fills me with such comfort. Yesterday, in a moment of connection to the grand flow of nature, I consider whatever I am feeling has two sides: The side that is most apparent, or at the surface. And the other side that is below the surface. Each of these points of view creates waves of thoughts, emotions and physical reactions. Therefore if both sides are always present - don't I have a choice of which to align with and further manifest? Does that mean I can do away with the other, less appealing option?
The concept of converses reminds me of my days studying for the law school entrance exam. On the exam you must demonstrate your ability to identify holes in logic. For example if a=c and b=a then does c=b? These types of fun little puzzles are everywhere, aren't they? If I am mad at my mother-in-law does that mean I love her? Since it is true that if I am angry that means I also love the object of my anger. So I can choose to focus on the reality that I love her and then attempt to express my emotions and deepen intimacy within the relationship. My other option might be to express the anger in a different way.
The science of yoga also celebrates converse puzzles of logic.
Here we go...
When you attempt a back-bend what usually happens? Something brings you out, right? Think for a moment what brings you out and then finish reading. I can only speak from experience. I know that pain in my low back, weak neck and upper back muscles kept me from enjoying back bends. Most importantly my pain was born from a general lack of awareness of how to hold myself. All I could find within was tightness, pain, drudgery. The physical expression always comes from the inner body. So yoga is always inviting us to align from the inner body - to tap into the layers of who we are and find truth - then the truth manifests into beauty. That's why when I see students move I constantly say - "beautiful, gorgeous" because it takes so much courage to step onto the mat and only truth/beauty can be born from courage. The act of courage is a release and renunciation of fear. The more we practice the act of courage the more fear dissipates from the layers of our existence. So....practice back bends if you wish to be fearless. A back bend can be defined as having all of the following present:
*clear, steady alignment in the lower body,
*a full, supported channel of inner-body energy in the low and middle back,
* and the outer shoulder blades reaching toward one another at the back of the heart.
Upon reflection regarding my former days in back bend misery, I articulate my attitude as being one of ignorance or lack of awareness. After some self-study what happens when I am ignorant on a subject I tend to be easily persuaded by fear. If I don't know the answer I get nervous, anxious, fearful. Therefore it only makes sense that I would be unable to perform a back bend and experience the opposite of fear - support, comfort, joy, even love.
Now as a more seasoned yoga practitioner I can see these parallels in my life. When I contract. When I am scared, fearful, ignorant - I have a reflex. My reflex is to act - speak and act in ways that don't honor my highest self. Into the awareness that I am in a state of fear I am able to realize that I need to turn my feeling on its head - uttanita. The translation of uttanita is "to turn it around." Therefore if I am experiencing a reflex born from fear - I know I am somehow disconnected from awareness - I am not seeing the truth - either physically, mentally or emotionally. Once I realize that I am disconnected, I can trace the disconnection to a specific area of my life. Then I am able to rationalize what created the disconnection. Finally I am able to repair the disconnection. What is the opposite of disconnection - being plugged in to the grand, deep order of nature. Our disconnections, while frustrating - are also equally beautiful. The disconnections are what force us to seek the truth and beauty - within our back bends and in all relationships.
The concept of converses reminds me of my days studying for the law school entrance exam. On the exam you must demonstrate your ability to identify holes in logic. For example if a=c and b=a then does c=b? These types of fun little puzzles are everywhere, aren't they? If I am mad at my mother-in-law does that mean I love her? Since it is true that if I am angry that means I also love the object of my anger. So I can choose to focus on the reality that I love her and then attempt to express my emotions and deepen intimacy within the relationship. My other option might be to express the anger in a different way.
The science of yoga also celebrates converse puzzles of logic.
Here we go...
When you attempt a back-bend what usually happens? Something brings you out, right? Think for a moment what brings you out and then finish reading. I can only speak from experience. I know that pain in my low back, weak neck and upper back muscles kept me from enjoying back bends. Most importantly my pain was born from a general lack of awareness of how to hold myself. All I could find within was tightness, pain, drudgery. The physical expression always comes from the inner body. So yoga is always inviting us to align from the inner body - to tap into the layers of who we are and find truth - then the truth manifests into beauty. That's why when I see students move I constantly say - "beautiful, gorgeous" because it takes so much courage to step onto the mat and only truth/beauty can be born from courage. The act of courage is a release and renunciation of fear. The more we practice the act of courage the more fear dissipates from the layers of our existence. So....practice back bends if you wish to be fearless. A back bend can be defined as having all of the following present:
*clear, steady alignment in the lower body,
*a full, supported channel of inner-body energy in the low and middle back,
* and the outer shoulder blades reaching toward one another at the back of the heart.
Upon reflection regarding my former days in back bend misery, I articulate my attitude as being one of ignorance or lack of awareness. After some self-study what happens when I am ignorant on a subject I tend to be easily persuaded by fear. If I don't know the answer I get nervous, anxious, fearful. Therefore it only makes sense that I would be unable to perform a back bend and experience the opposite of fear - support, comfort, joy, even love.
Now as a more seasoned yoga practitioner I can see these parallels in my life. When I contract. When I am scared, fearful, ignorant - I have a reflex. My reflex is to act - speak and act in ways that don't honor my highest self. Into the awareness that I am in a state of fear I am able to realize that I need to turn my feeling on its head - uttanita. The translation of uttanita is "to turn it around." Therefore if I am experiencing a reflex born from fear - I know I am somehow disconnected from awareness - I am not seeing the truth - either physically, mentally or emotionally. Once I realize that I am disconnected, I can trace the disconnection to a specific area of my life. Then I am able to rationalize what created the disconnection. Finally I am able to repair the disconnection. What is the opposite of disconnection - being plugged in to the grand, deep order of nature. Our disconnections, while frustrating - are also equally beautiful. The disconnections are what force us to seek the truth and beauty - within our back bends and in all relationships.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Trust
Grace is the invisible, yet ever present, unwavering support for our lives. Not only the support for us to survive, but the support for us to thrive. The practice of yoga looms us into consciousness with Grace. We are able to surf the current when we feel how supported we are to act with courage and confidence. We are the ones we have been waiting for, and we are the point the universe is trying to make (Professor Douglas Brooks says this). He says that we are in a constant state of connecting and disconnecting to how amazingly intelligent and worthy we are. We use the asana practice as a container to wipe away the dust that settles and veils us from the reality that we are pure consciousness.
When our bones, muscles and tissues are well aligned our nervous system is relaxed. Our brain transmits a signal that all is well. There is a deep order within our physical body - just as there is an order to the cosmos, the universe and indeed our environment. There is an order among people, animals and ecosystems. Everything has a place and everything is related to one another. When we slip out of alignment in any of our relationships we feel pain; we curse the current for not being present for us - neglecting to lift us up. Yet it is always us that is free to choose to surf or sink.
For many years I would go to my doctor regularly - at least once a month from the time I was 22 until I was 27. Believing she was the person in charge of ensuring that I feel better. Relying on her to help get me back into alignment. Relying on her to discover the deeper problems creating my symptoms of chronic strep throat, back and neck pain. I saw chiropractors weekly hoping that they would some how find the magic fix to relieve my pain. I would pick up books on yoga and practice yoga in many different ways. And I would always feel better upon offering my questions up to my practice. Yet I never saw the yoga practice as the cure. I thought medicine and adjustments would heal me. I was always waiting around for someone else to seal my fate. Someone much smarter, wiser, someone with more titles after or before their name would be delivering me a message that would make my pain go away.
Pregnancy was the first time I was able to fully understand the potency of self-healing. I had a common experience of many pregnant women in that my digestion became very slow -- creating an overgrowth of yeast and bacteria in my body. No doubt the years of antibiotics contributed to this condition and the pregnancy likely highlighted the symptoms. Upon this diagnosis from my general practitioner I was horrified and uncomfortable. Sadly her prescription did not ease my mind either. She said to take a course of antibiotics for the bacteria. I am not a science buff, but my question was how would this cure the yeast? Wouldn't antibiotics create more yeast? The bacteria did need clearing, since it was risky toward the baby being born pre-term.
Challenging my doctors advice I went to an applied kinesiologist and a natural health doctor. Both practitioners confirmed my thought that antibiotics would be counter-intuitive, and finally I felt a large amount of relief. They had supported my instinct....I somehow felt healing wasn't far away. Instead of a course of antibiotics I started a course of whole vitamins, fish oil, vitamin C, calcium among other rituals to eliminate the unwanted bacteria and yeast. Changing my diet by eliminating dairy, soy and gluten. Within a few days I felt a lot better and over the course of months leading into present day - I have not felt so healthy since I was a young child.
Returning to my general doctor I received a clean bill of health a few months later and to present day. My doctor actually asked me if she could document the remedies and share them with other people. She did further research to determine that other doctors in her field use similar homeopathic strategies for healing patients with similar conditions.
It was a big step to stray from the advice of my doctor and rely on my gut. After many years of having my doctor on a pedestal, as someone who knows more - someone who would heal me - to rather trust in myself. My practice leads me to studentship of the great order and mystery that is me. As I step into practice each day - my physical alignment brings my head, heart and stomach into union. The dust of doubt gets cleared away through my courage to trust in my intelligence, wisdom and experience. Who am I but a living, breathing embodiment of intelligent life; I am worthy and amazing. My practice is fueled by a deep desire to align - to uncover more of this amazing and deep order.
Don't let anyone (including yourself!!!!) tell you or make you feel like you are unworthy. You are intelligent, worthy, amazing and bright. When the dust settles trust that you have the ability to wipe it away in any moment you choose. Sit for a few moments in meditation each day to grow closer to your inner wisdom. Surrender your eyes to close while taking a nice seat, and let yourself be breathed. Know that there is support for your life to be full and radiant. Let your groins settle toward the Earth and your abdomen and ribs to reach toward the back body extending upward toward the Sky. See yourself radiating bright light within. See the inner wisdom in your intelligent channel and move through your day from this place. Namaste.
When our bones, muscles and tissues are well aligned our nervous system is relaxed. Our brain transmits a signal that all is well. There is a deep order within our physical body - just as there is an order to the cosmos, the universe and indeed our environment. There is an order among people, animals and ecosystems. Everything has a place and everything is related to one another. When we slip out of alignment in any of our relationships we feel pain; we curse the current for not being present for us - neglecting to lift us up. Yet it is always us that is free to choose to surf or sink.
For many years I would go to my doctor regularly - at least once a month from the time I was 22 until I was 27. Believing she was the person in charge of ensuring that I feel better. Relying on her to help get me back into alignment. Relying on her to discover the deeper problems creating my symptoms of chronic strep throat, back and neck pain. I saw chiropractors weekly hoping that they would some how find the magic fix to relieve my pain. I would pick up books on yoga and practice yoga in many different ways. And I would always feel better upon offering my questions up to my practice. Yet I never saw the yoga practice as the cure. I thought medicine and adjustments would heal me. I was always waiting around for someone else to seal my fate. Someone much smarter, wiser, someone with more titles after or before their name would be delivering me a message that would make my pain go away.
Pregnancy was the first time I was able to fully understand the potency of self-healing. I had a common experience of many pregnant women in that my digestion became very slow -- creating an overgrowth of yeast and bacteria in my body. No doubt the years of antibiotics contributed to this condition and the pregnancy likely highlighted the symptoms. Upon this diagnosis from my general practitioner I was horrified and uncomfortable. Sadly her prescription did not ease my mind either. She said to take a course of antibiotics for the bacteria. I am not a science buff, but my question was how would this cure the yeast? Wouldn't antibiotics create more yeast? The bacteria did need clearing, since it was risky toward the baby being born pre-term.
Challenging my doctors advice I went to an applied kinesiologist and a natural health doctor. Both practitioners confirmed my thought that antibiotics would be counter-intuitive, and finally I felt a large amount of relief. They had supported my instinct....I somehow felt healing wasn't far away. Instead of a course of antibiotics I started a course of whole vitamins, fish oil, vitamin C, calcium among other rituals to eliminate the unwanted bacteria and yeast. Changing my diet by eliminating dairy, soy and gluten. Within a few days I felt a lot better and over the course of months leading into present day - I have not felt so healthy since I was a young child.
Returning to my general doctor I received a clean bill of health a few months later and to present day. My doctor actually asked me if she could document the remedies and share them with other people. She did further research to determine that other doctors in her field use similar homeopathic strategies for healing patients with similar conditions.
It was a big step to stray from the advice of my doctor and rely on my gut. After many years of having my doctor on a pedestal, as someone who knows more - someone who would heal me - to rather trust in myself. My practice leads me to studentship of the great order and mystery that is me. As I step into practice each day - my physical alignment brings my head, heart and stomach into union. The dust of doubt gets cleared away through my courage to trust in my intelligence, wisdom and experience. Who am I but a living, breathing embodiment of intelligent life; I am worthy and amazing. My practice is fueled by a deep desire to align - to uncover more of this amazing and deep order.
Don't let anyone (including yourself!!!!) tell you or make you feel like you are unworthy. You are intelligent, worthy, amazing and bright. When the dust settles trust that you have the ability to wipe it away in any moment you choose. Sit for a few moments in meditation each day to grow closer to your inner wisdom. Surrender your eyes to close while taking a nice seat, and let yourself be breathed. Know that there is support for your life to be full and radiant. Let your groins settle toward the Earth and your abdomen and ribs to reach toward the back body extending upward toward the Sky. See yourself radiating bright light within. See the inner wisdom in your intelligent channel and move through your day from this place. Namaste.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fullness
I know my yoga is working. My yoga helps me be the best version of myself. The side of my person who I like when I look in the mirror, when I fall asleep and when i'm discoursing with others. Here is how I know...
Last Thursday, the night before my 33- hour yoga immersion weekend, I found a large area of our downstairs carpet wet. Almost an entire week later we determine the cause of our wet carpet (a burst pipe). This high level and long duration of ambiguity and frustration would normally drive me (or anyone) crazy. Not to mention the fact alone that our carpet and other parts of our finished basement are in ruins. Top this with the reality that we have never had an issue with water in our basement, nor did any previous owners for the last 30 years. Combine all of this with being a new mom, a teacher who helps people find their center, and you could say this is a recipe for a minor meltdown. Or just the opposite...
I thought..."Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I practice the first principle (Open to Grace) instead of going straight to my pattern of practicing second principle (Muscle Energy)." While I had moments of beating myself up with inquisition: "How could this happen?" "We've done a horrible job protecting our investment?" "How could we be so irresponsible?" All of these would prove wasted energy, since it was a problem we never could have predicted. Thankfully, overall, I was able to mitigate these counterproductive thoughts and reactions. Instead by pausing and acknowledging my reality (first principle) I was able to move almost straight to acceptance. The flow of life offers me a basement of ruins, yet I get to choose how to respond.
The reactions of my former flagellating-self were not of interest. Keeping body, mind and emotions balancing were the call of my practice. Throughout the weekend I chose to affirm life by treating the people around me well and following my breath. Each time the negative storm of emotions rose I would counter with more breath, more first principle. "Open to your life - this is the offering - you get to choose," was my mantra. I'd remind myself that this was a wave and while I can't stop it I can choose to sink or go surfing. I am happy to report that I chose to surf.
The interesting thing about this situation is that for the last nine months I have been fantasizing about transforming our downstairs from a family room to a yoga space/play space for August. Since August began crawling my desire for this transformation has steadily grown. You could argue that where energy goes - energy flows. In this case that "flowing" took the literal form of water. I don't (and didn't) wish for the water and subsequent ruins to be the precursor to re-doing our downstairs, however, the circumstances have set in motion the very outcome I desire.
The truth is this is a less than desirable situation. Our downstairs is a wreck. We are still haggling with insurance adjusters, contractors, etc. This is where my second principle work enters (Muscle Energy). In this experience I have been able to identify the appropriate place for the principles - all because I see the ability of my choices to empower my dream into reality. Each step in this process guides us one step closer to creating an amazing space for yoga- play. It is all in the attitude and actions you apply to facing the reality. I am confident that if I choose to view this situation as a catalyst to a dream come true - then that is the result I will achieve.
It helps that I am aware of the cosmological concept called Anava Mala. Anusara yoga metaphysics identifies that the condition of being human entails three malas, or conditions (dust) that limit (veil) our ability to experience our nature, which is always supreme consciousness. As the pulse that creates life moves from pure consciousness into human form - limitations to experience the fullness of our nature become inherent to the human condition. Anava Mala arises when we feel that we are "less than, unworthy, inferior." Malas are the dust that cover up the truth that we are always pulsing with fullness - supreme consciousness. The truth is that we always have everything that we need to be content, happy and full. Just like the grass is always beneath the snow; although cleverly hidden from view. Our bodies have boundaries and limitations and consequently so do our minds. However our spirit (heart) is always boundless, full and complete. The body and mind cause us to forget, to limit our capacity to experience our boundless spirit. Yet our heart reminds us that we have everything we need to be satisfied - even happy or blissful.
The highest practice we can wish to achieve is to be able to step into the flow of grace with acceptance and wonder rather than negativity and fear. The flow is all of the chaos, fluctuations of our life, so even when Anava Mala arises - we can smile and know that the fullness is present - even as the dust settles on our heart and limits our ability to connect to supreme consciousness. Grace is the truth that there is support for our life - even with all the dust, the waves, the chaos - grace is the constant, which takes tangible form in our breath. This cloaking of our nature is supposed to happen, so that we can remember and be able to celebrate the next time we get a hit of the divine splendor that is at the core essence of our existence.
Evidence that there is support for our lives rang true to me when hearing this quote last weekend during the fluctuations of my life: "Any thought that your mind can create is never 100% true, so why not decide to align with the positive side of that thought?" Here are the sanskrit and English translation for the Anusara Invocation, which illustrate the highest path of our practice:
Anusara Invocaton:
Last Thursday, the night before my 33- hour yoga immersion weekend, I found a large area of our downstairs carpet wet. Almost an entire week later we determine the cause of our wet carpet (a burst pipe). This high level and long duration of ambiguity and frustration would normally drive me (or anyone) crazy. Not to mention the fact alone that our carpet and other parts of our finished basement are in ruins. Top this with the reality that we have never had an issue with water in our basement, nor did any previous owners for the last 30 years. Combine all of this with being a new mom, a teacher who helps people find their center, and you could say this is a recipe for a minor meltdown. Or just the opposite...
I thought..."Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I practice the first principle (Open to Grace) instead of going straight to my pattern of practicing second principle (Muscle Energy)." While I had moments of beating myself up with inquisition: "How could this happen?" "We've done a horrible job protecting our investment?" "How could we be so irresponsible?" All of these would prove wasted energy, since it was a problem we never could have predicted. Thankfully, overall, I was able to mitigate these counterproductive thoughts and reactions. Instead by pausing and acknowledging my reality (first principle) I was able to move almost straight to acceptance. The flow of life offers me a basement of ruins, yet I get to choose how to respond.
The reactions of my former flagellating-self were not of interest. Keeping body, mind and emotions balancing were the call of my practice. Throughout the weekend I chose to affirm life by treating the people around me well and following my breath. Each time the negative storm of emotions rose I would counter with more breath, more first principle. "Open to your life - this is the offering - you get to choose," was my mantra. I'd remind myself that this was a wave and while I can't stop it I can choose to sink or go surfing. I am happy to report that I chose to surf.
The interesting thing about this situation is that for the last nine months I have been fantasizing about transforming our downstairs from a family room to a yoga space/play space for August. Since August began crawling my desire for this transformation has steadily grown. You could argue that where energy goes - energy flows. In this case that "flowing" took the literal form of water. I don't (and didn't) wish for the water and subsequent ruins to be the precursor to re-doing our downstairs, however, the circumstances have set in motion the very outcome I desire.
The truth is this is a less than desirable situation. Our downstairs is a wreck. We are still haggling with insurance adjusters, contractors, etc. This is where my second principle work enters (Muscle Energy). In this experience I have been able to identify the appropriate place for the principles - all because I see the ability of my choices to empower my dream into reality. Each step in this process guides us one step closer to creating an amazing space for yoga- play. It is all in the attitude and actions you apply to facing the reality. I am confident that if I choose to view this situation as a catalyst to a dream come true - then that is the result I will achieve.
It helps that I am aware of the cosmological concept called Anava Mala. Anusara yoga metaphysics identifies that the condition of being human entails three malas, or conditions (dust) that limit (veil) our ability to experience our nature, which is always supreme consciousness. As the pulse that creates life moves from pure consciousness into human form - limitations to experience the fullness of our nature become inherent to the human condition. Anava Mala arises when we feel that we are "less than, unworthy, inferior." Malas are the dust that cover up the truth that we are always pulsing with fullness - supreme consciousness. The truth is that we always have everything that we need to be content, happy and full. Just like the grass is always beneath the snow; although cleverly hidden from view. Our bodies have boundaries and limitations and consequently so do our minds. However our spirit (heart) is always boundless, full and complete. The body and mind cause us to forget, to limit our capacity to experience our boundless spirit. Yet our heart reminds us that we have everything we need to be satisfied - even happy or blissful.
The highest practice we can wish to achieve is to be able to step into the flow of grace with acceptance and wonder rather than negativity and fear. The flow is all of the chaos, fluctuations of our life, so even when Anava Mala arises - we can smile and know that the fullness is present - even as the dust settles on our heart and limits our ability to connect to supreme consciousness. Grace is the truth that there is support for our life - even with all the dust, the waves, the chaos - grace is the constant, which takes tangible form in our breath. This cloaking of our nature is supposed to happen, so that we can remember and be able to celebrate the next time we get a hit of the divine splendor that is at the core essence of our existence.
Evidence that there is support for our lives rang true to me when hearing this quote last weekend during the fluctuations of my life: "Any thought that your mind can create is never 100% true, so why not decide to align with the positive side of that thought?" Here are the sanskrit and English translation for the Anusara Invocation, which illustrate the highest path of our practice:
Anusara Invocaton:
Om Namah Shivaya Gurave
Saccidananda Murtaye
Nisprapancaya Shantaya
Niralambaya Tejase
Translation:
I offer myself to the Light, who is the True Teacher
within and without (the teacher of all teachers),
Who assumes the forms of
Reality, Consciousness and Bliss,
Who is never absent and is full of peace,
Independent in its existence,
It is the vital essence of illumination.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Self-Knowledge
As my heart opens I find a tandem opening of my ears and eyes to my students and my own life. The more I open I realize I continue learning about life, others and myself. The highest path for yoga practice is to know oneself, so I hear and read from teachers and books. But what does this mean? Don't we spend each day with ourselves? Along this journey I have formed certain preferences to food, clothing, music, etc. Yet it seems these preferences can often be fleeting; I can be fickle. So I continue to search for what is steady....timeless...constant. I crave this grounding, so I know it must exist, right? The answers to all of life's questions are simple and very close to consciousness, right? Yes.
I have a student whom I will call Lisa. Lisa is a healthy, petite, sweet lady. She is a school teacher at a grade school. She eats well, practices yoga, participates in her community, and enjoys much balance in her life. Until recently when Lisa experienced the nightmare of sciatic pain. I have not experienced this pain myself, but I hear it is similar to the pain of needing a root canal. I have also heard the phrase, "Worse than labor pains," attributed to sciatic nerve pain. I should also point out that Lisa experienced this pain while doing a day to day task - not on her yoga mat. Lisa was bumming. After some time away she returns to yoga practice and brings with her an amazing attitude and perspective on injury.
Lisa wants to keep moving and stay healthy. The doctors are offering her a surgery to fuse her sacroiliac joint to her sacrum, and she is questioning the option of surgery every step of the way. Lisa comes to her mat. She uses a chair and blocks and she makes it through the hour paying close attention to her body's response to yoga poses. Honoring herself every step of the way. She works with her physical therapist and cross checks all information between her PT, her physician and myself. She gathers data from other surgery survivors of this kind. Her husband joins her at appointments to continue his study of her condition and her options.
Lisa has a choice. As we all have a choice. Simply because we are injured does not mean we are weak. Lisa's choice to educate herself and to move through fear and continue healing her body from within in an appropriate, skillful way prove that she is strong. The moments when things are darkest are always our moments to choose to see the light more brightly - to see more clearly what we truly want. As we choose light we find we often emerge even stronger than before the dark moment. How can this be true? Because when we are offered the deep work that comes with challenge, and we choose to use it as a chance to know ourselves more intimately, we become fully uplifted by the current of grace that is always supporting our lives. We see that while our lives have the ability to be challenging there is equal amount of capacity to rise to meet the challenge. We find there is support for our process of seeking self-knowledge. Even if it isn't what doctors recommend and even if it takes longer than surgery recovery. There is still support for our journey inward.
I can speak on the other side of Lisa's story. When I hurt my sacroiliac joint two years ago it was so painful and embarrassing I thought I would never practice yoga again, never mind teach yoga. The more pushing and forcing I did with myself - the more elusive healing became. When creating space for my injury (even loving myself in this region of my body), and as I continue to allow myself space - I become more aware of the mechanics of this part of my body. Further I realize the interconnection of this part of my body to other parts. Lastly I become a better teacher, because of this awareness. I can relate to students better. Not just students with SI issues, but students with any injury. And students who practice without injury -I can help them find their way more easily, so they can avoid injury.
While we would never wish for injury or darkness in any form - we must admit - sometimes darkness is the path. When the path is dark we always have the choice of how we will respond. In your deepest rut, your most frustrating moment - can you try to see the choices you still have? It is deep work, but as you endeavor capacity grows.
As we collect this wisdom in our minds, may we find the strength and courage to use this in our lives. I believe knowing oneself is to find unity in the wide spectrum of experience and life. The deeper our practice the more difference dissolves and unity remains. Unity is the constant. Unity is the steady pulse that is always present. On our yoga mat. In our relationships. In our body, mind and spirit. While our minds will always seek to divide, our hearts will always seek to unify. May we choose to live from our hearts and deepen our capacity for darkness. Namaste.
I have a student whom I will call Lisa. Lisa is a healthy, petite, sweet lady. She is a school teacher at a grade school. She eats well, practices yoga, participates in her community, and enjoys much balance in her life. Until recently when Lisa experienced the nightmare of sciatic pain. I have not experienced this pain myself, but I hear it is similar to the pain of needing a root canal. I have also heard the phrase, "Worse than labor pains," attributed to sciatic nerve pain. I should also point out that Lisa experienced this pain while doing a day to day task - not on her yoga mat. Lisa was bumming. After some time away she returns to yoga practice and brings with her an amazing attitude and perspective on injury.
Lisa wants to keep moving and stay healthy. The doctors are offering her a surgery to fuse her sacroiliac joint to her sacrum, and she is questioning the option of surgery every step of the way. Lisa comes to her mat. She uses a chair and blocks and she makes it through the hour paying close attention to her body's response to yoga poses. Honoring herself every step of the way. She works with her physical therapist and cross checks all information between her PT, her physician and myself. She gathers data from other surgery survivors of this kind. Her husband joins her at appointments to continue his study of her condition and her options.
Lisa has a choice. As we all have a choice. Simply because we are injured does not mean we are weak. Lisa's choice to educate herself and to move through fear and continue healing her body from within in an appropriate, skillful way prove that she is strong. The moments when things are darkest are always our moments to choose to see the light more brightly - to see more clearly what we truly want. As we choose light we find we often emerge even stronger than before the dark moment. How can this be true? Because when we are offered the deep work that comes with challenge, and we choose to use it as a chance to know ourselves more intimately, we become fully uplifted by the current of grace that is always supporting our lives. We see that while our lives have the ability to be challenging there is equal amount of capacity to rise to meet the challenge. We find there is support for our process of seeking self-knowledge. Even if it isn't what doctors recommend and even if it takes longer than surgery recovery. There is still support for our journey inward.
I can speak on the other side of Lisa's story. When I hurt my sacroiliac joint two years ago it was so painful and embarrassing I thought I would never practice yoga again, never mind teach yoga. The more pushing and forcing I did with myself - the more elusive healing became. When creating space for my injury (even loving myself in this region of my body), and as I continue to allow myself space - I become more aware of the mechanics of this part of my body. Further I realize the interconnection of this part of my body to other parts. Lastly I become a better teacher, because of this awareness. I can relate to students better. Not just students with SI issues, but students with any injury. And students who practice without injury -I can help them find their way more easily, so they can avoid injury.
While we would never wish for injury or darkness in any form - we must admit - sometimes darkness is the path. When the path is dark we always have the choice of how we will respond. In your deepest rut, your most frustrating moment - can you try to see the choices you still have? It is deep work, but as you endeavor capacity grows.
As we collect this wisdom in our minds, may we find the strength and courage to use this in our lives. I believe knowing oneself is to find unity in the wide spectrum of experience and life. The deeper our practice the more difference dissolves and unity remains. Unity is the constant. Unity is the steady pulse that is always present. On our yoga mat. In our relationships. In our body, mind and spirit. While our minds will always seek to divide, our hearts will always seek to unify. May we choose to live from our hearts and deepen our capacity for darkness. Namaste.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Co-Participation
I am in love with yoga, because yoga helps me fall in love with myself and my life every day. My first attraction to yoga is indescribable; I can't recall the precise moment. But yoga remains my siren singing me to sea. And I can't help but hear and appreciate the song every day. I believe we are all born with an understanding of what we are. What it means to be human - to have a journey that is unique, special, one of a kind. But to also have our breath, which ultimately chooses and governs us and links us to the greater whole. When we accept this love affair between our individual self and our Universal self we find the space of shanti (peace) and ananda (bliss). The practice of yoga is listening to the siren's call (the Universal), and realizing that she is guiding us home.
Yoga reminds us that we are both individual and Universal. Our lives are real - with all their joy, pain and the wide spectrum of experience in between. Yet there is also a part of each of us which we do not control. Consider that if you hold your breath - inevitably you will pass out and respiration resumes. You can't control this, as much as you may try. As a result, each time we roll out our mat it is important to consider the following. Since birth each living creature has countless life experiences, which overtime shape that creature's response to stimuli and situations. The creature's response to the twists and turns of life create a physical, mental and emotional imprint or conditioning. This conditioning causes the being to exhibit certain responses to situations. The sanskrit word for this conditioning is samskara. Samskara means: sams (complete or joined together) kara (action or doing). Here is a beautiful explanation of samskara from a yoga teacher and psychologist.
Yoga reminds us that we are both individual and Universal. Our lives are real - with all their joy, pain and the wide spectrum of experience in between. Yet there is also a part of each of us which we do not control. Consider that if you hold your breath - inevitably you will pass out and respiration resumes. You can't control this, as much as you may try. As a result, each time we roll out our mat it is important to consider the following. Since birth each living creature has countless life experiences, which overtime shape that creature's response to stimuli and situations. The creature's response to the twists and turns of life create a physical, mental and emotional imprint or conditioning. This conditioning causes the being to exhibit certain responses to situations. The sanskrit word for this conditioning is samskara. Samskara means: sams (complete or joined together) kara (action or doing). Here is a beautiful explanation of samskara from a yoga teacher and psychologist.
As a psychologist, I'm aware that the repetitive behavior students exhibit during yoga class originated long before they stepped onto the mat; the classroom is simply the arena in which we can witness our deeply ingrained habits in all their glory. According to yogic philosophy, we're born with a karmic inheritance of mental and emotional patterns—known as samskaras—through which we cycle over and over again during our lives.
In addition to being generalized patterns, samskaras are individual impressions, ideas, or actions; taken together, our samskaras make up our conditioning. Repeating samskaras reinforces them, creating a groove that is difficult to resist. Samskaras can be positive—imagine the selfless acts of Mother Theresa. They can also be negative, as in the self-lacerating mental patterns that underlie low self-esteem and self-destructive relationships. The negative samskaras are what hinder our positive evolution. ---End Quote---
When we experience pain in our physical, mental or emotional body- on some level - we are noticing samskara. We may not be fully cognizant of the origin of the pain (the pattern or traumatic event, cause of pain) - we can only describe it for the way it manifests in that moment. In example, "my groins have hurt for a very long time." We move forward and attempt to correct this pain and it lingers for days, weeks, months or years. We cannot heal until we are conscious of the pattern or event that has created the pain in the first place. Once we can be fully aware of the pattern then we must change that pattern in a skillful way. We must move from our individual samskara toward the Optimal Blueprint.
Answer to correct pain and remove the rut of samskara? Enter the Optimal Blueprint - a map of anatomical position. This map can be routed in your body via the Universal Principles of Alignment as codified by John Friend, founder of Anusara Yoga. Limb three of yoga is asana, which means connection. Therefore each yoga asana is an opportunity to more intimately understand the connection of all components of the physical body; the place where your individual self meets your Universal self. When you succeed in seeing yourself as you are with full acceptance, and you choose to shift in a positive, life-affirming way your experience is an indescribable, yet familiar feeling - you are home. This is the process of realizing and willingly releasing samskara.
When our bones are more optimally aligned our connective tissue relaxes. This sends a message to our brain that reads, "Fear not, all is well." Finally our emotional body is more tranquil as the former bodies are in a state of health and peace. The deeper we go with our practice the more second nature the Optimal Blueprint becomes. We can get there faster in each pose.....we learn how to chase the optimal in each practice. What follows is a more comfortable physical state, which allows our body to sit for longer meditation. When we can sit longer we penetrate the deep ripples of samskara that lodge themselves in the layers of our physical, mental and emotional bodies.
When we release samskara it is expected that students may weep, laugh or experience a wide spectrum of release, as the samskara rises to consciousness and then melts away. The more we release negative samskara the more intimately we know our Universal self, and the more reluctant we are to betray ourselves. Because we realize how perfect we are. How complete we are. Therein we love ourselves so fully that it is exactly like the love a mother feels for her child - this love is boundless. When we practice this co-participation we see ourselves so clearly for our amazing beauty and light that we become our own idol. We awake to the siren's song. We feel the tenderness of our muscles and the stiffness of our bones. We slide into a gentle twist, allow our ribs to open and we receive the Universal. We smile and enjoy our co-participation; our embodiment. It is the pain that teaches us to chase the alignment. When we realize we need both the pain and the pleasure we have mastery in some great way.
To the journey of going home and the subsequent hit of bliss.
I get hits of this every once in a while, so I know it is true. Do you?
We have so much power and talent that we can use yoga and meditation to trace the pain of our past, let it go and move into our future with lightness and freedom. We must begin with a commitment to become a student of our individual as well as our Universal body. We approach each practice with an intention to find the meeting ground for the two sides of this coin. Therein we harness all wisdom, we unveil. We become acquainted with what is ours to control and shape and what can be released. Herein lies peace.
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