When I have a quiet moment to look at my life I feel grateful. Sometimes gratitude is so authentic, it is as natural as breathing. Yet in other moments I seem to train myself to "fake it until I make it." I remember that I have shelter, food, a beautiful and loving family and a job that I enjoy. By many standards - I have it all. Yet at times there is an emptiness. I quickly remind myself about all my blessings for fear that if I chide them, admitting my vacancy, the good stuff may disappear. Sometimes I wonder where the disconnection occurs. What makes me feel plugged in to authentic gratitude and what causes me to disconnect? It seems that a general feeling of "play or lightness" is usually what I am lacking. I am forgetting the playful nature of myself, the Universe and all living things. What do all successfully adapted mammals have in common? They play with abandon throughout all stages of their lives.
Sure family and work are blessings. They connect us to others - give us an opportunity to relate, share, grow and even compete. When we are sick or sad - family and friends can feel supportive. When things are difficult at home we can take solace in the self-satisfaction a job well done can offer. But sometimes we just need something else, and it's time to be honest about that something. Without feeling like I need to covet what I have, can I find a moment to let go of outcomes and do something simply because it brings pleasure? It seems as a woman I feel tremendous responsibility to be perfect. To be light-hearted and productive and still charming and sweet. When I look closely I realize that I feel responsibility to be these things, because this is who I am by nature. And still dullness, heaviness and saddness can arise unexpectedly. I have analyzed this. Oh, it's because I didn't eat the right foods at the right time, it's a season change, it's because I got that weird email from so and so. Sometimes the icky stuff can add up and cause me to forget that I deserve a moment to do something that I enjoy - simply for the reason that I enjoy doing that thing. Even if all the laundry isn't done and the planning isn't complete. If I need to stop, turn on some music and dance - then by Jim Crickett - I'm going to dance - until I sweat and smile.
Too little of the time do we actually use our mat to play. The mat is a place where mystery unfolds. Each time for practice is a game of peek-a-boo with our deepest self. Yes, sometimes it is challenging to practice, but by a shift in focus from difficulty to breath awareness - we can feel as light as a balloon - shedding our expectations and tuning in to what is real. In fact when we find a rough patch in the practice it is actually an invitation for creating strength. The breath is what guides us through. Try this - as you practice - if challenge arises - smile and breath evenly and try going deeper into the mystery. If you find it is truly pain you are experiencing - continue to breath easily and mindfully come out. But more often than not these places are invitations to an inner party where the party favor is strength. So take a laughing breath, expand your back body and soar into the spirit of play. Make yoga practice your time to genuinely play. Like you are meeting a friend, sharing a laugh simply because it feels good. Because I think this is the purpose of the practice.
During this time of transition between seasons I feel restless - searching for something to quell my longing as the seasons shift from bright, abundance and energy in summer to the cooling lull of fall. Like I'm vying between bright energy and hibernation. I am eager to find outlets to help me connect to a playful attitude - keep myself grounded but also light in spirit. A couple weeks ago I went to my family's annual pumpkin carving event (ah-hem competition), and my mom was a true inspiration. She found two long pumpkins that fulfilled an interesting destiny of being shaped like a sea serpent. Appropriately she decided she would make a Loc-ness Monster. In fact, she would make two: "Nessy and Bessy".
While the other women in my family competed with glitter, electrical wiring, mechanical saws and multiple pumpkins morphing into one creation - my mom went about her creation for the sheer pleasure of bringing her idea into its fullness - she enjoyed her process. The spirit she brought to her creative time was so pure. She was genuinely complimentary to others, helping others finish their work even. Playing with her grandson while creating. Other participants stayed tight-lipped about what they were making. They wouldn't talk to anyone during their process. Staying very focused on the outcome - investing their efforts with intention to win.
My mom came in fourth place. She was surprised to have placed at all, and seemed genuinely indifferent to the results. I told her she did the best job. Her pumpkins held a certain vision and spirit that transcended any judges' verdict. After all it takes play to know play.
When life is full of blessings and you look around and find an empty spot inside - find time to do something for the sheer enjoyment of it - go into the mystery - turn longing into laughing.
No comments:
Post a Comment