Hanuman

***big sigh*** I am here. I am writing. My weekly intention is to write, because it is part of my "getting clear" process. Writing is purging. Something surfaces in the field of awareness and then codifies in print. The result? A fresh feeling for me. Sometimes someone else relates and benefits from seeing similar feelings in print and hopefully a fresh feeling there too.

I can use a fresh feeling at this point, this week. That is why I am feeling so close to Hanuman. In brief, Hanuman, is a central character from the Indian Epic, The Ramayana. He is an incarnation of the Divine, and as such, has many powers. Powers much like those that we all have although exagerated, since this is mythology. He can fly (think of the taking flight feeling when you root your tailbone). Hanuman can get very small (curling into a ball) or very big (expanding your backbody to perform a backbend or mountain pose) - depending on the need, along with many other powers. Much like a bright toddler Hanuman is mischevious...eager to explore and test his talents. Because of his antics, the Saints took away his awareness of his powers. When Hanuman's Lord needs help then Hanuman remembers his abilities. Hanuman's awareness lights when his deep desire and heart devotion propels him to serve his Lord. Until his heart ignites with desire he is walking around in a fog - unaware of his amazing gifts.

I believe I am like Hanuman...full of gifts and energy to make offerings....if my heart can be in the lead, and in a fog when my heart is unable to get on board. This week I try to keep my heart guiding as it's a rollar coaster emotionally and physically around my home. August is sick, then he gets better....overuses his talents....then he is sick again. He is coughing, which is something new. Naturally I consider it is the new day care regimen that is causing the sickness. Then I receive a borage of insights from other moms and dads about how getting sick means less sick later. But the pediatrician says this is houey and no one should expose their kids to illness...better to keep them home if you can.

So what is a mom who enjoys working to do?? Give everything up to stay home and attempt to protect your son from every air bone invader? Probably not.....this would make mama sad. Nannies are too expensive although a much better option for our consideration, so enter the Manny or my dad. He is the best. Afraid of nothing he soars through the day fighting bacteria and virus by hand washing and teaching proper hand covering a cough procedures plus he is lead by his heart, since it's his grandchild. Yes, I am very comfortable with my Manny. Right now I am hoping we don't have another bout of sickness when things circulate again in February, March or even April. It is this ambiguity that makes me crazy to think about having to let down clients or myself by being in a fog of my gifts through sickness picked up at day care. I do believe it is my deep love and devotion to my family and yoga that leads me this week. A deep unwavering commitment to be loving even though I do not feel naturally loving inside. I am down right pissed off at sickness and any action that takes sickness lightly or avoids stopping it's wrath. Still I know my anger is born from such a steady desire to preserve the heart...to preserve the health I work to protect every day.

Every day I feel fortunate to know my heart. I am able to keep in perspective that my wellness is paramount to being able to ride the tide of working mom, because my work and my family are my heart. This gives me the ability to know where I am going and what activities and commitments to make and avoid to preserve the balance. The circumstances change and I forget my capacity at times...through sickness, defeat, and doubt. But when I think about Hanuman I remember that even with all his greatness he was able to forget. So for now I am going to watch the snow fall, drink tea and rest as much as I can in each moment. I feel content that I have the knowledge that my powers will surface again as the heart calls.

On a Clear Day You Can See EVERYTHING

It appears the life philosophy I follow actually does have an impact on my life. It becomes more apparent to me all the time that the choices I make have consequences. If I eat my fruits and vegetables I feel good, healthy...immediately. If I eat something else I usually feel the opposite...immediately. And then there is nuance. Example...If I eat a well-balanced meal and then have a chocolatey treat...I still feel good, healthy. If I wake up and eat a donut I feel jitterty and ungrounded all day long. Hence, my choices have an impact. Some even argue that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world have a consequence in a very different part of the world. Yoga says this is nature or karma, we are all connected and nature is orderly. Physics says for every action there is an equal reaction. The way we behave always has reasons. Maybe not always legitimate reasons in another's mind, but legitimate reasons nonetheless.

Something I sit with a lot lately is how my environment affects my mood. When everything around me is messy and disorderly I feel overwhelmed and defeated....much like how I feel when I make a surface New Year's Resolution to avoid donuts for breakfast. It just isn't possible to commit to NEVER EVER having a donut for breakfast. So the moment I give in and eat a donut for breakfast - GAME OVER. The overwhelming feelings of fear and defeat arise. Instead what if I go a little deeper and ask myself: Why do I want to give up donuts for breakfast? Answer: They make me feel jittery and ungrounded all day long, I can't seem to rebound, so they must be wholly bad for me. But in the first paragraph of this blog I said I can have a sweet treat if I also eat more wholesome foods. This second line of thinking is Tantric. Tantric philosophy, Shiva-Shakti specifically, which is the philosophy that underlies Anusara yoga, affirms all aspects of life and says that every living thing, at it's core is intrinsically good. Now while this doesn't really include donuts, because donuts are not living, breathing Divine Consciousness, we loom donuts in because they exist. Essentially Tantra does not tell you what is good or bad...you have to decide based on conseqences. The concept of balancing your diet is the part that is Tantric. TEST for you reading this: Go find a donut and eat it if in this moment it is life-affirming. If in this moment it is not life-affirming for you to eat a donut...then don't. That is our philosophy. You can have anything. You may have something really really bad...but if you have a negative result and you continue that behavior then you are no longer practicing Tantra. You have off-roaded, which we all do for a time and usually it gives us more clarity about why we want to reconnect to balance.

We value sensitivity to the whole, affirming all of life as having innate beauty. So when we are grumpy, frumpy or dumpy we have the responsibility to turn inward and determine what is blocking us from being able to see the intrinsic beauty in all things. It is not your friend's fault and sadly no, it is not your boss's fault that you are the aforementioned.....it is actually your responsibility to find balance.

A New Year's Resolution will only be successful if it addresses the root of the issue that is surfacing. In our example, no donuts for breakfast, I am making the resolution so I won't feel jittery and ungrounded. But is not actually the donut causing this it is my choice to eat it at a time when my body needs something else. Therefore the intelligence of my body, explains to me that I am depriving it by sending me into a sugar crash. The donut doesn't affirm my life first thing in the morning. Therefore on the Shiva-Shakti path of Tantra I have a choice to make. It is always my choice, but nature will always put in it's two cents by making me feel less than whole. In yoga we value these messages from our bodies, minds and hearts. Every day is an experiment of chemical reactions between humans and the whole of naure. The clues are in every blade of grass, every animal and every human. The beauty of a human face, a sunset, the lines of symmetry in a leaf. The taste of fresh berries or herbal tea.

This year my "resolution," which I prefer to think of as my intention, is to hold a clear space within myself and within each moment, so that I am not cluttered with the disorganization of my thoughts, judgments and fantasies. Rather I am steeping in the beauty of every blade of grass, every animal and every human. And the best part is I can still choose if I get to eat a donut in the morning! Let's face it...sometimes enjoying a donut (insert whatever pleasure you will here) is just worth the experience.

Happy New Year! To a fresh feeling and to the donuts that make us chase the fresh feeling once again.