Hanuman

***big sigh*** I am here. I am writing. My weekly intention is to write, because it is part of my "getting clear" process. Writing is purging. Something surfaces in the field of awareness and then codifies in print. The result? A fresh feeling for me. Sometimes someone else relates and benefits from seeing similar feelings in print and hopefully a fresh feeling there too.

I can use a fresh feeling at this point, this week. That is why I am feeling so close to Hanuman. In brief, Hanuman, is a central character from the Indian Epic, The Ramayana. He is an incarnation of the Divine, and as such, has many powers. Powers much like those that we all have although exagerated, since this is mythology. He can fly (think of the taking flight feeling when you root your tailbone). Hanuman can get very small (curling into a ball) or very big (expanding your backbody to perform a backbend or mountain pose) - depending on the need, along with many other powers. Much like a bright toddler Hanuman is mischevious...eager to explore and test his talents. Because of his antics, the Saints took away his awareness of his powers. When Hanuman's Lord needs help then Hanuman remembers his abilities. Hanuman's awareness lights when his deep desire and heart devotion propels him to serve his Lord. Until his heart ignites with desire he is walking around in a fog - unaware of his amazing gifts.

I believe I am like Hanuman...full of gifts and energy to make offerings....if my heart can be in the lead, and in a fog when my heart is unable to get on board. This week I try to keep my heart guiding as it's a rollar coaster emotionally and physically around my home. August is sick, then he gets better....overuses his talents....then he is sick again. He is coughing, which is something new. Naturally I consider it is the new day care regimen that is causing the sickness. Then I receive a borage of insights from other moms and dads about how getting sick means less sick later. But the pediatrician says this is houey and no one should expose their kids to illness...better to keep them home if you can.

So what is a mom who enjoys working to do?? Give everything up to stay home and attempt to protect your son from every air bone invader? Probably not.....this would make mama sad. Nannies are too expensive although a much better option for our consideration, so enter the Manny or my dad. He is the best. Afraid of nothing he soars through the day fighting bacteria and virus by hand washing and teaching proper hand covering a cough procedures plus he is lead by his heart, since it's his grandchild. Yes, I am very comfortable with my Manny. Right now I am hoping we don't have another bout of sickness when things circulate again in February, March or even April. It is this ambiguity that makes me crazy to think about having to let down clients or myself by being in a fog of my gifts through sickness picked up at day care. I do believe it is my deep love and devotion to my family and yoga that leads me this week. A deep unwavering commitment to be loving even though I do not feel naturally loving inside. I am down right pissed off at sickness and any action that takes sickness lightly or avoids stopping it's wrath. Still I know my anger is born from such a steady desire to preserve the heart...to preserve the health I work to protect every day.

Every day I feel fortunate to know my heart. I am able to keep in perspective that my wellness is paramount to being able to ride the tide of working mom, because my work and my family are my heart. This gives me the ability to know where I am going and what activities and commitments to make and avoid to preserve the balance. The circumstances change and I forget my capacity at times...through sickness, defeat, and doubt. But when I think about Hanuman I remember that even with all his greatness he was able to forget. So for now I am going to watch the snow fall, drink tea and rest as much as I can in each moment. I feel content that I have the knowledge that my powers will surface again as the heart calls.